Recovery From Abuse
By Mary Cook, M.A., R.A.S.
Unfortunately it is common for males and females with addictive disease to have significant physical and sexual abuse histories, particularly in childhood. Typical symptoms of survivors include phobias, difficulties with trust and control, significant memory loss, emotional insulation, dissociation, destructive addictions and compulsions including eating disorders, strong fears of intimacy and vulnerability, negative self-image, acting out sexually or physically or attracting partners who do so, and chronic, intense states of anger, shame, fear and depression. Abuse in childhood severely handicaps our ability for further psychological development.
Abuse damages our sense of safety especially when no one responds empathetically and protectively on our behalf. As children we are dependent upon our caretakers to meet our physical and psychological needs. If instead, we are forced to meet the sick needs of others or we receive harm instead of nurturing, a lack of safety and profound problems with trust is internalized. And because we are children, we believe it is our fault.
Autonomy is damaged because abuse violates the boundaries that establish basic personal rights and individual separation from others. Personal rights include appropriate privacy and the ability to communicate our own needs, wants, thoughts, and feelings, and to receive respect and consideration for them. When our caretakers chronically override our needs and feelings in childhood, we feel overly responsible for ourselves and our families. We cannot separate ourselves from them, or our feelings and needs from theirs. This leads to overwhelming pain and feelings of failure.
True identity development cannot take place without autonomy. Personal identity instead, is comprised of the internalization of the abuser’s projections and our response to them. We are thus unable to see ourselves as whole or capable, and our abilities for self-caretaking are severely compromised. We come to know ourselves deeply when afforded time and encouragement for self-reflection, exploration and trial and error to determine our strengths, weaknesses, talents, interests, life philosophy, purpose and spirituality. We cannot discover who we truly are and what best serves us on our unique path in life, when others’ impositions dominate this process.
When our social environment is healthy, it provides accurate observations and validation for our unique personality. This lays the groundwork for healthy empowerment and a pro-active, assertive approach to life. When a healthy set of beliefs, values and priorities evolve from deep personal examination and understanding and our behavior is in accord with them, we have positive self-esteem. This is obviously lacking in survivors who were abused in childhood or early adolescence.
When our bodies have been invaded and violently attacked, healthy valuing and caretaking of our physical selves is usually poor. In abuse survivors, neglect, self-mutilation, recklessness, self-destructiveness, eating disorders, drug abuse, prostitution and ongoing abusive relationships further endangers health and life. At the same time disassociating, numbing physical pain and using substances to promote the illusion of pleasure rather than pain are common defenses against horror and tragedy.
Our idea of a power greater than ourselves begins in childhood with our parents or other caretakers as role models. When they are unhealthy, our spiritual views are tainted with cruelty, unrealistic standards for conditional acceptance, punitive self-sacrifice, a deep sense of unlovableness, unworthiness and rejection. This creates a tenuous struggle between life and death.
When instead of healthy love, we received attacks on our bodies and spirits, fear overpowers love. There is a desperate striving to overcome emptiness and an equal amount of fear with vulnerability and intimacy. The emptiness is the ache of severe deprivation trying to get our attention. The past tells us however, that the yearning for bonding and nurturing will only bring violence, enmeshment and suffocation.
For healing to begin, we need to discuss the abuse we suffered until we discover all that we internalized that inhibits our recovery today. What thoughts, values, feelings and behaviors are linked to projections of abusers that we absorbed as our own? Our health today relies on separating ourselves from sick internalizations and people who are toxic to us. We must return to our original needs, wants, feelings and thoughts and give them respect and consideration. We need to learn and practice healthy caretaking, valuing and compassionate confrontation with ourselves. We are responsible to keep ourselves safe and give time to personal reflection to discover our true identity.
Our spiritual relationship will then change to reflect the healthy relationship we are building with ourselves and others in recovery. This will teach us how love overpowers fear.
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About the Author
Mary Cook is the author of “Grace Lost and Found: From Addictions and Compulsions to Satisfaction and Serenity,” available from Amazon.com, etc. http://www.amazon.com/Grace-Lost-Found-Compulsions-Satisfaction/dp/…
Mary has 38 years of clinical practice and 29 years of university teaching experience. She is available for telephone and office counseling, guided meditation, and speaking engagements. Connect with her at: WWW.MARYCOOKMA.COM
