Assessing Your Truth and Living It
By Lee McCormick and Mary Falkner
“Hell, in my opinion, is never finding your true self and never living your own life or knowing who you are.” — John Bradshaw, American author, counselor, and theologian
Family of origin is a term frequently used in recovery circles, especially with regard to dysfunctional families and how they affect our development and self-worth. While we all have a family of origin, we don’t all have to think of them as totally dysfunctional—perhaps capable of freaky moments is a better description of yours. Regardless of how you describe your family, it’s good to know that you can change your experience of it. You can heal the leftover negative memories and your reactions to them. Identifying the dynamics is the first step in making this transformational journey.
In the late 1980s, counselor and author John Bradshaw began decoding the family-of-origin mystery in his seminal work On the Family: A Revolutionary Way of Self-Discovery. This was followed by a host of books defining the “dysfunctional family system”—a group Bradshaw estimated to be 96 percent of the population. That wasn’t all that long ago, and Bradshaw’s theories and figures haven’t been successfully challenged.
Some of the results of growing up in a dysfunctional family include poor self-image, fear, risky behavior, addiction, compulsion, difficulty focusing, hypervigilance, caretaking at the expense of self, perfectionism, being hard-hearted or caring too much, depression, and anxiety. It’s fair to say if you grew up in a dysfunctional family, you are not alone!
The family matrix many of us have grown up with resembles the cultural matrix for the most part. Rather than laws, it is passed along in family stories, many of which have been handed down through the generations. These stories shape our thoughts, beliefs, and expectations according to a system of undeclared assumptions. They go a long way toward creating our identity, shaping our dreams, and defining our behavior. Like the cultural matrix, not much is based on how we feel—what is on our internal map, our heart. Rather, it hands us preconceived definitions and declarations.
. . . Men don’t. . . . Women do. . . . Grown-ups do. . . . Children don’t. . . .” You know how this works.
Family is important, and legacies can empower you or drive you crazy and everything in between. We need to sort through the messages to find our truth. Maybe you aren’t “just like your mother” or “just like your father” or “just like your uncle from Nebraska who drinks too much.” Unless these stories resonate with your core being, they are up for a rethink. Examining these assumptions and discarding those that don’t hold up to your scrutiny is a bold step that is ultimately and intricately bound to reclaiming your authenticity.
A good way of making this assessment is to pay attention to how certain family sayings affect your emotions. Do certain stories make you feel embarrassed? Do some make you feel proud? Are you encouraged in your pursuits or do you feel put down? You have a right to feel good about yourself. Validating your experience gives you permission to get more honest. You will be surprised at what you discover about yourself. You don’t have to confront your family in the process; you are going for self-honesty.
Transforming the Past: Self-Image Redo
While we can’t change the past, we can change how we feel about ourselves based on the past. That’s an important distinction, and it bears repeating. You can change how you feel about yourself. Regardless of the kind of craziness that went on in your home, you absorbed it and have held yourself responsible for causing it. Kids are like that—they take on whatever is happening around them, and they think it’s about them. Feelings of responsibility, anger, guilt, and shame are among the common results of growing up in family dysfunction. It may take professional help to heal, but you can heal—and, as you heal, you discover that you are much more than your old beliefs indicate.
As you begin this journey of self-discovery, it’s helpful to learn the difference between guilt and shame, as the two are often confused. A common description says that guilt is feeling bad about something you did. It is a human emotion that can be helpful in building empathy. We feel bad about something we’ve done and we correct our behavior and we no longer feel guilty—as long as we include self-forgiveness. Shame is feeling that you are bad—so bad you can’t be helped and forgiveness is totally off the table. It is difficult to resolve shame on your own, but it can be resolved with professional help, such as talking with a counselor or a spiritual advisor. While tackling family of origin dynamics can seem, at times, like climbing Mt. Everest barefooted, as you refuse to be defined by others and by the past, you get a boost in energy and transformation takes a quantum leap forward.
Coming to terms with addictions, obsessions, and compulsions that disconnect us from our truth and sabotage happiness is the beginning of building a solid core from the inside out—it’s the beginning of authenticity. Being willing to believe in yourself, believe in your basic goodness, and believe in your right to your hopes and dreams are grist in the transformational mill.
Every human capacity exists on our hard drive—our internal computer. It’s all there waiting to be downloaded. For example, we have the capacity to speak every language if we hear it early enough. It’s all about what gets reinforced and what doesn’t. Few of us were taught how to make decisions, including deciding who we are. We didn’t get instructions on how to weigh options and select what is most appropriate for us in various situations. We were taught along strict lines of right and wrong—according to someone else’s assessment, and acting right carried heavy moral consequences. Failure to follow the rules often led to guilt and shame and punishment from mild to severe. It may keep us in line, at least for a time, but it does not develop our soul or the empathy needed to be in intimate relationships with ourselves and others.
Empathy is on our internal compass—not in the codependent sense, but in true caring and connection with our self and with the human family. Empathy creates a moral map that we will rely on for making decisions throughout life. Empathy is developed naturally through the sensitive and loving care we receive in childhood. If we were not treated sensitively as a child, we can develop empathy later in life by changing our relationship to ourselves and learning to treat ourselves respectfully. That includes cleaning up destructive self-talk, refusing to buy into the negative stories we have heard about ourselves, and beginning to write our new story. While this sounds simple, it is not easy to override the early programming we receive—but it is entirely possible!
None of this is about blaming your family or yourself; it’s about cutting through the inaccuracies—or, more to the point, lies—and finding out who you are when you have the pen in your hand, when you’re telling the story. We often discover that we aren’t much different from everyone else—but it’s an important difference. We became what we were taught to believe we were—now we can become what we believe we are. Welcome to your new matrix.
Excerpted from Spirit Recovery Medicine Bag: A Transformational Guide for Living, Happy, Joyous and Free
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About the Authors
Lee McCormick and Mary Faulkner are the co-authors Spirit Recovery Medicine Bag; A Transformational Guide for Living, Happy, Joyous and Free (HCI Books.) an essential and life-changing resource that is half autobiographical journey and half medicine bag filled with spiritual healing practices for those who are struggling with any aspect of life. Offering a way out of life’s maze, Spirit Recovery Medicine Bag is a guide for finding the way back to one’s personal truth, authenticity and purpose by shedding the stories that we tell ourselves about or own lives. The book draws on Native American and shamanistic traditions, Eastern practices, universal spiritual pathways, and a medicine bag of other heart-opening methodologies developed by these two seasoned experts. Readers are given the tools to step away from addictive, compulsive behaviors that hold them back, so they experience real happiness and joy as their spirit soars– Living Happy, Joyous and Free! For more information, go to www.SpiritRecovery.com or www.hibooks.com.
