Are You a Problem Solver or a Problem Tolerator?
What Are You? A Problem Solver or a Problem Tolerator?
In the dog park the other day I bumped into a couple walking their Yorkshire Terrier. It was a case of deja-vu, as my dog is also a Yorkie and when he was younger, he had the same problem as the dog in the park was exhibiting: extreme anxiety around other dogs and people.
I could see how stressed their dog was, meeting my little guy, even though my dog is gentle and non-threatening. I was saying to the owners how uncanny it was to observe their dog behaving in exactly the same ways my dog used to when encountering strange dogs or people: panting from stress, hiding behind her mom and trying to jump into her mom’s lap.
I volunteered that the way I solved the problem was to send my dog out on daily walks with a dog walker so he could socialize with new dogs and people. He soon got over his anxiety and has been a more confident and friendly dog ever since.
It astounded me that although their dog was clearly distressed, and I was offering a simple solution to their problem, these people took in what I had to say with minimal interest. I walked away remarking to myself that sadly, I meet a lot of people like this; people who have real problems but who are resigned to them or unwilling to make the effort to resolve them.
I’m the opposite. When I have a problem I never stop trying to find a solution, even if it takes me years to do so. I’ll spend considerable time, energy and resources in getting to the bottom of a problem, and I’ll do so until I’m satisfied with the outcome. Some problems may take a lifetime to resolve; some will never be fully resolved, but I won’t let go of trying to make things better.
As an optimist, I believe that there’s a solution to every problem, even if right now, I can’t imagine what that might be, and even if no-one around me can do so either. If I can’t discover the solution on my own, I’ll find someone who can help, and I’ll work with them until together, we’ve figured things out.
I never give up, even when the numerous solutions I’ve tried have been less than successful. I learn what I can from each failed attempt, regroup and try again. If one approach fails, I’ll try a new one, and keep reassessing and changing directions until I hit on the right approach.
Some people are in denial of their problems. Even though they’re unhappy about what’s happening, they don’t want to face it, so they end up living with it. Instead of making a choice to resolve their problem, their default is to make no choice, which is, in itself, a choice.
Some people are extremely passive. If they do recognize that they have a problem- an extremely anxious dog, for example- they can’t imagine that there’s a solution to the problem; sometimes they’re unwilling to make the effort to find a solution, or if someone presents them with the solution, they can’t bring themselves to act on it.
Some people identify as helpless victims in their lives. They feel like bad things keep happening to them, and can’t see themselves as empowered agents of change who can affect the outcomes of things. Even when a viable solution is offered to them, they don’t really believe that it could work.
Some people are just willing to tolerate a good deal of discomfort. They’re unhappy, maybe even suffering, but they’re resigned to accepting their lot. Perhaps they don’t believe that they can do better; perhaps they don’t feel that they deserve more than what they have.
If it had been me in the dog park, and someone had offered me the solution to my dog’s fear of strangers, I would have jumped at the opportunity to fix things for my little guy. In fact, that’s exactly how I resolved his problem in the first place. Some helpful person suggested the dog-walker solution to me so I gave it a try, right away. I figured, “What have I got to lose?”
If you look at your own life, right now, you’re probably experiencing one or more problems. It’s impossible to be a human being without encountering some type of difficulty, now and then. It might be a good idea to ask yourself how you deal with these problems; if you’re a persevering problem-solver or a passive problem-tolerator.
If in reading this article you realize that you’ve been passively tolerating too many of your problems, you can make a change and become someone who perseveres in looking for solutions to their problems. You don’t have to deny or tolerate the problems you’re experiencing, or give up before you’ve found a solution.
When you begin to face your problems and become more determined to solve them, you’ll find that solutions will begin to appear. In fact, like with anything you do, the more practice you have at problem-solving, the better you get at it.
If you stop tolerating your problems and begin to persevere in the face of them, you’ll find that your life will be happier and more successful, and your problems will be fewer and less serious at any given moment. It will require a certain amount of effort, but in my mind, it’s absolutely worth it.
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About the Author
Marcia Sirota MD FRCP(C) is a board-certified psychiatrist, that does not ascribe to any one theoretical school. Rather, she has integrated her education and life experiences into a unique approach to the practice of psychotherapy. She considers herself a realist with a healthy measure of optimism. Sign up here for her free monthly wellness newsletter. Listen here to her latest podcast. marciasirotamd.com
