Overcoming Grief with Kundalini Yoga
By Ramdesh Kaur
Two weeks ago at Summer Solstice, I got a phone call telling me that a dear friend had died. He’d passed away suddenly from a heart attack. I cried, but I calmed myself down with pranayama and later that night went out into the desert to chant “Akal“, the mantra to help a deceased soul cross out of the magnetic field of the earth, under the starry night sky. I missed him, but I knew his soul was peaceful and that brought me peace. A few days later, I received news that my best friend had shot himself in the head. Everything fell away but my grief. I felt like he had blown a hole through my heart, too. I was drowning in grief, anger, and shock. I kept up with my meditations, but went through them without feeling them. All I could feel was grief, combined with a deep sense of betrayal. I woke up in the night with cramps and sweats, haunted by bad dreams. When my Kundalini yoga class, lead by Gurucharan Singh, chanted “Akal” for him, I couldn’t even join in. My grief was a brick that sat on my chest and didn’t move.
Camel Pose
Within a few days, I felt the difference in my body. It’s difficult to open my chest. Camel pose, once a snap, has become nearly impossible, and I’ve had to resort to putting my hands on the small of my back instead of my ankles. My grief manifested itself within the joints and muscles of my body. A few days ago I realized I stood in front of a choice: I could allow the sadness to sink into me and take hold, or I could shine a light into the dark spots and live my way back into a whole heart.
I recently released my first book, co-authored with Karan Khalsa, called Yoga and Mantras for a Whole Heart. As happens so often for a writer, sometimes we find that what we write for others we really write for ourselves. I have turned to the Principles of Living with a Whole Heart, which I wrote, for comfort. I have practiced the meditations within the books to help me heal. And I have decided to live my truth, by using the technology of Kundalini yoga, even when it’s difficult. This is the definition of “Keep Up”. Doing Kundalini yoga when it’s hard, when you just want to curl into a ball, but choosing to breathe through it and hold your arms up, to chant with intention and power, and to see the beauty of the Divine even on the dark days…that is keeping up.
I woke up this morning steadier. My heart, while it still hurts, feels lighter. The pain in my kidneys is still there and my back is tight, but my breathing is deeper and more even. I can smile. These are victories, and I celebrate them.
I have found comfort in a few things in particular, which I hope might help someone else who is grieving.
First, I suggest the book that I’ve turned to even if it is my own: Yoga and Mantras for a Whole Heart. The Aad Guray Nameh meditation (on the CD with the book by Snatam Kaur) and the Sat Kartar meditation (music by Sat Kartar) are soothing and have helped. Ra Ma Da Sa (Mirabai Ceiba’s version is in the book) is a beautiful meditation that can be practiced in groups and can be used to heal both the self and others.
I’ve also turned to the book Dying Into Life: the Yoga of Death, Loss and Transformation. Within it is a host of valuable information about what happens when we die, including discussions of the Blue Ethers and also meditations to prepare ourselves for our own deaths. Gurunam Joseph Michael Levry’s book The Divine Doctor speaks directly about suicide and has many healing meditations and different versions of Ra Ma Da Sa.
Just as it always has when times are challenging, Kundalini yoga music sustains me. It was the music that could reach me when I couldn’t do yoga because my body hurt too much. Harnam Singh’s “I Don’t Mind” from the album Love Infinite Divine was my constant comfort in the first few days. I sang it over and over as a kind of shield against the sadness. Snatam Kaur’s “Aakhan Jor” from the album Shanti helped lift my heart and remind me of the beauty of the Divine right here, right now. Nirinjan Kaur’s “Heal Me” from the album Adhara is something I have been playing through my morning meditation, and her prayer “Heal Me, Heal Me, Heal Me, My God” expresses everything I want to say.
My practice, surprisingly, has deepened. I’ve begun to include 31 minutes of left-nostril breathing, which calms me down and centers me. When I would get hysterical, a glass of water and left-nostril breathing would stop my emotions in their tracks and let me breathe again. Because after all, I am still on this planet and able to breathe. And I do not want to miss a minute of this precious experience.
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(Editor’s Note: Ramdesh Kaur will be giving a workshop called “Overcoming Grief with Kundalini Yoga” with live music from Spirit Fest artist Harnam Singh on Friday July 15 from 7-9pm at the Center for Conscious Living in Moorestown, NJ.)
