6 Ways Giving Love Changes You

Giving and loving and contributing to the lives of others is the prescription for meaning and at least some degree of happiness. The boy calls this “give and glow,” or the “giver’s glow.”

Rx Give and Glow

by Stephen G. Post (aka the boy)

 

 

The twentieth-century Hindu sage Krishnamurti had it right: “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” To be enduringly happy in the ways of materialism and the sensate indignities that characterize much of the popular culture can be a challenge. Judging from the epidemic of depression that defines our era, self-indulgence and materialism may be near exhaustion and about to collapse, although propped up by thousands of psychiatrists medicating younger and younger patients who are hitting bottom in our cathedrals of consumerism.

This is all part of the perennial philosophy that Emerson was drawing on when he wrote, “No man [or woman] can sincerely help another without helping himself.” Or, as Oscar Wilde put it, echoing Plato, “To be good is to be in harmony with oneself.” Thoreau wrote, “Goodness is the only investment that never fails.” And Proverbs 11:25 assures us that “Those who refresh others are themselves refreshed.”

On the inside cover of the boy’s copy of The Book of Common Prayer, given to him two decades ago by the Rev. William B. Eddy of Christ Church, Tarrytown, is the boy’s ever-growing list of people he has seen as models of kindness and generosity over the course of his life. All of them have died, and by all accounts, they continued to show generosity to all even in their final days, or at least prior to the onset of dementia. From time to time, he reflects on the lives of these good people and recalls that each of them took joy in being consistently generous and affirming to all, even in difficult moments when they had to solemnly “care-front” (rather than simply “confront”) destructive or unjust behaviors, jealousy, betrayal, and other manifestations of the shadowy side of human nature. They did not all live easy lives, but the lives of all of them were good.

Their lives are proof that giving to others without thinking about payback is vital and fulfilling. Their wise giving constitutes genius in the spiritual and moral sense. They understood that happiness is not to be found so much in getting (although this is often a very good thing) as in giving, and they taught by example.

Have you ever noticed feeling an especially warm glow during seasons of gift-giving? Jesus of Nazareth said, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.”[1] This blessed feeling seems to be a common experience, however much it is outmatched by our dominant “I don’t do nuthin’ for nuthin’ ” cultural message.

 Most people already know this from experience, and now there are fMRI studies of the brain that show how planning a donation activates the mesolimbic pathway, which is associated with increased dopamine (one of four natural happiness chemicals). Helping others directly triggers activity in the caudate nucleus and anterior cingulate, portions of the brain that turn on when people experience happiness. No wonder, then, that old St. Nick (also known as “Santa Claus”) is always laughing and cheerful as he gives away his gifts. No wonder that most of us actually do find a little more joy in giving gifts than in receiving them. The brain science is not terribly surprising; it just confirms the obvious.

Is it really more blessed to give than to receive? Do benevolent people experience higher levels of mental well-being? Are they healthier? Do they live longer? Increasingly, mainstream scientists are studying people who take a kindly, charitable interest in others, and the behaviors that go along with it, to find out whether there are associated health benefits.

 How are we changed when we extend active love?

First, we are freed from preoccupation with the self and its problems, over-thinking, and destructive emotions. Of course, disappointments and betrayals are unavoidable in life; it is easy to get sucked down into a negative vortex of bitterness, despair, and resentment. But simple acts of loving-kindness can transform us emotionally. It is said that even if you do not feel happy, smile anyway and happiness will likely follow. The key to forgiveness is acts of love coupled with patience because with the passing of time our perspectives mature.[2]

Second, life becomes interesting. Selfishness is boring, but when we seek the happiness, security, and well-being of another as an expression of creative love, the world becomes full and engaging. Sir John Templeton once wrote that it is impossible to be bored if you love your neighbor.

Third, loving others gives us a reason to develop our gifts. Students learn more when they tutor younger peers, or when they learn in groups and are responsible for teaching one another. Most great people have fine-tuned their talents through service to their neighbors.

Fourth, we make deeper friendships. Our friends are no longer the people we just hang out with, but the ones with whom we share an exhilarating common cause and commitment. When we extend active love, we finally gain serious friends, the kind who are loyal and want to keep us on our course and true to our higher selves.

Fifth, loving others is a source of hope, because as active agents we use our strengths to make a difference in the lives of others, and we can, therefore, have greater confidence in shaping the future. This is an active hope, rather than the passive variety that just waits for something to happen.

Sixth, loving others is a source of joy. Happiness is to joy as optimism is to hope. Joy, like hope, is not a mere innate disposition, but a virtue honed through bringing creative goodness to the life of the beloved. Thus, we should not worry much about reciprocity, because we are already reaping the benefits inwardly. As they say, “pay it forward,” although a note of gratitude is nice.

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[1] Acts 20:35.

[2] See www.stephengpost.com/the-hidden-gifts-of-helping.

Excerpted from God and Love on Route 80: The Hidden Mystery of Human Connectedness by Stephen G. Post (Mango Publishing, August 2019). Foreword by Larry Dossey.

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About the Author

Stephen G. Post is a bestselling author and the founding director of the Institute for Research on Unlimited Love. Dr. Post a professor at the Renaissance School of Medicine at Stony Brook University, NY, where he also directs the Center for Medical Humanities, Compassionate Care, and Bioethics. A leader in medicine, research and spirituality, God and Love on Route 80 is a meditation on the meaning of life and the importance of spirituality.