Revisiting the Idea of Winning
If one side is “winning”, does it mean the other side has to be “losing”? Can’t we create solutions where all the parties involved are “winning”?
Redefining “Winning”
by Linda Bloom
Creating a successful partnership does take work. The process is not for the faint of heart. But if we do our job, are aware and awake in the ways we take part in our relationship, we can expect the goodwill and cooperation to grow. An important part of our work is to become courageous, honest, assertive, direct, and respectful. We do not lapse into passive-aggressive behaviors that are highly destructive.
If you’ve ever been in the middle of a painful breakdown with your partner and felt overwhelmed with rage, fear, pain, despair, or some combination of the above, you’re not alone. Even couples that share good relationships can occasionally experience feelings like this. At these times, it can also seem that turning this situation into a “learning opportunity” just isn’t going to happen. The best that you can hope for is to do enough damage control to prevent things from falling into the “catastrophic” category. And even doing that is no small feat.
Taking steps to encourage goodwill to grow
This is not to say that we should avoid doing or saying things that could cause upsets. Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. It does mean that whatever we do, we must take the necessary steps to bring about an outcome in which there is a net increase in goodwill between us, even if in the process of getting there, uncomfortable feelings arise.
It is important that, at the very least, our response to distressing situations should not result in additional and unnecessary suffering to an already painful situation. Doing so may require self-restraint. Until we have developed enough inner strength to resist the temptation to indulge ourselves in defensive- aggressive reactions, our responses to the conflict will probably just add fuel to the fire.
Fortunately, the opportunities to practice truth-talk and committed listening present themselves continually throughout our lives. It’s helpful to first identify the nature of our work to become more attuned to opportunities for practice that show up in our daily experience.
Many of the people with whom we have worked have commented that once they realize their work, they notice that the practice opportunities present themselves on an ongoing basis. Whether they are just seeing opportunities that have always been there, or whether there actually are more of these situations after the commitment to learning is made is anybody’s guess. A more important question has to do with how we respond to these opportunities when they show up in front of us.
Creating a successful partnership does take work.
Despite our hopes that our partner (or we) will change overnight, instant transformation generally tends to be a rare occurrence. The process tends to be incremental rather than instantaneous. Relationship building can feel like we’re standing near a scorching fire. And then there are times when we think that we are standing IN the fire.
Suppose we have used our time wisely and practiced on the small breakdowns and improved our ability to address upsets rather than reinforce defensive habits. In that case, we will be much more likely to not only minimize damage but bring about positive outcomes, even when we’re amid the hottest fires. And if or when big breakdowns do occur, rather than defaulting to familiar defensive patterns, we will respond with effective efforts that are much more likely to bring about reconciliation.
Our needs are not less or more important than our partners.
When we hold our goal as the fulfillment of both of our needs, rather than the satisfaction of our own desires, there is a shift in our interaction outcome—the quality of our relationship. Our relationship is no longer based upon zero-sum thinking, where there are winners and losers. Still, it becomes about defining “winning” as a function of mutual satisfaction.
And if you think that such thinking is pollyanna-ish and unrealistic in the “real world,” think again. Or better still, try it out and see for yourself whether we’re talking about fantasy or a genuine possibility.
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About the Author
Linda Bloom L.C.S.W. has served as a psychotherapist and seminar leader practicing relationship counseling for almost forty years. She is a regular presenter at Esalen Institute, Kripalu, and Multiversity. Visit her website at www.bloomwork.com.
