Confrontation? No Big Deal if You Follow These Tips
The word “confrontation” makes a lot of people very uncomfortable.
When we contemplate talking to a friend or colleague about something they did that upset us, we can be filled with dread.
Many people believe that confrontation is a recipe for disaster but in reality, the opposite is true. Sharing our concerns with friends and colleagues can actually improve our relationships, while holding back our feelings and needs will often lead to greater problems.
Many people simply don’t have positive associations with confrontation. Maybe they’ve observed unproductive arguments between family members, co-workers or in the media.
Maybe they tried confronting people in the past, and it didn’t work out. Either way, it’s not surprising that so many people are afraid of talking to others about how they feel and what they need.
But what these people didn’t understand was that the confrontations were unproductive for one of two reasons:
1: the other person was unreasonable and unwilling to negotiate in good faith;
2: they were going about confronting the person in a way that wasn’t effective.
The truth is that confrontation can be very effective if we do it properly, and if we’re communicating with a reasonable person.
When we choose to avoid confrontation and hold back our feelings, they accumulate internally, transforming into resentment and sometimes even into anger.
Inevitably, the anger will leak out in the form of snide remarks or passive-aggressive behaviors. Sometimes, it can even explode outward in a tirade against the other person.
Avoiding confrontation is meant to prevent conflict, but suppressing our needs and feelings will almost always back-fire on us. If we don’t leak or explode our frustration, we could end up stuffing it down with food or trying to dissolve it in alcohol.
Another result of avoiding confrontation is that we become emotionally disconnected from others. When we aren’t honest with them about what’s bothering us, it creates an invisible wall between us, and this can ultimately cause discomfort and alienation.
The ideal is to learn how to communicate effectively, but this isn’t always easy: It’s one thing to tell our friends or colleagues how happy we are with everything; it’s another to express dissatisfaction or worse yet, anger.
We fear rejection, believing that if we’re not “nice” or “pleasing,” our friend will abandon us, or our colleague won’t want to work with us.
We forget that a real friend won’t disappear at the first sign of difficulty; especially if we express ourselves in a reasonable and respectful manner. We don’t realize that a reasonable colleague will want to know how they can create the best possible working relationship with us.
Talking to our friends and colleagues about the things they’ve done that are bothersome to us is one of the best ways for us to discover who they really are.
If our friends really care about us, they’ll be responsive to what we tell them. If our colleagues are reasonable, they’ll welcome constructive feedback, seeing that this will also help them in their other workplace relationships.
If, on the other hand, the friend or colleague denies what they’ve done; if they get angry at us for bringing it up or tell us that we’re over-reacting, this demonstrates that they’re not willing or able to negotiate the relationship in good faith.
Confrontation, for this reason, is an ideal way of distinguishing between our real and false friends, and between reasonable and unreasonable colleagues. The only relationships at risk from confrontation are the ones not worth maintaining.
So, a few pointers on how to go about the scary business of confrontation:
~ Most importantly, start by being affirming. Let the other person know how much you value the relationship, and that this is why you’re sharing your concerns.
~ Don’t be accusatory, simply tell them how their behavior made you feel. Make statements like, “When you did such-and-such, it made me uncomfortable.”
~ Avoid absolutes like, “You always…” or “You never…” Likewise, it’s not a good idea to engage in name-calling. Remember, confrontation is supposed to resolve a problem, not create another one.
~ Choose an appropriate time and place where you can have a meaningful conversation without any distractions, and where the other person isn’t likely to get embarrassed or become defensive; that is, not in front of other people.
~ Then, be quiet and pay attention to the other person’s reaction. How they respond will provide you with invaluable information. If you’ve confronted them in a kind, respectful way, a good friend or a reasonable colleague should respond similarly. A negative response will show you that it’s unlikely you’ll be able to resolve any issues with this person.
And a few warnings about when NOT to confront someone:
Some people are troubled. A friend might be defensive or have a very bad temper; a colleague might be unable to take responsibility for their actions, or they might be vindictive.
If you have a sense, by having observed their past behavior, that the other person is likely to have a very negative response to your confrontation, it’s best to find another way to deal with the situation.
If it’s a friend, recognizing that you can’t approach them with a concern shows you that you’ll never be able to negotiate your needs with them.
If it’s a colleague, it shows you that you have to be a lot less open and a lot more strategic with this person if you want to get your needs met.
Confrontation can be a daunting proposition but like anything else, the more often you try it, the better you’ll get at it and the easier it will become.
After a few successful attempts at talking to people about your needs and feelings, it will become second nature.
Your reasonable friends and colleagues will know where you stand, and you’ll be in the privileged position of knowing whom you can be really honest with and whom you can really trust.
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About the Author
Marcia Sirota MD FRCP(C) is a board-certified psychiatrist, that does not ascribe to any one theoretical school. Rather, she has integrated her education and life experiences into a unique approach to the practice of psychotherapy. She considers herself a realist with a healthy measure of optimism. Sign up here for her free monthly wellness newsletter. Listen here to her latest podcast. marciasirotamd.com
