Character Development
When we avoid, deny, hide or run away from internal and external pain, we are not experiencing peace of mind. We incorrectly perceive ourselves as outwitting or winning a race against pain. Chronic fear causes us to forget faith, internal strength, resources and wisdom. This leaves us with defense mechanisms that disrupt both potential positive esteem and healthy relationships with others. Escapist strategies do not allow sufficient trial and error to develop skills for healthy self-support, resilience, assertiveness and understanding. As life becomes more complicated, fear and all that prompts its’ appearance, increases in frequency and intensity. Obtaining spiritual or psychological support and facing fear, so as to understand and heal it, builds our confidence, competence and serenity.
Responses that are passive or aggressive typically have a fear based orientation that over-empowers others. This removes healthy self-focus, which removes the solution. The fear in the narcissistic response is that others will hurt us by exposing our false pride. So we attempt to do to others first, what we fear will be done to us. The victim response comes from fear that we will be hurt far worse if we fail to surrender our personal power. The fear in the abuser’s response is that others will either hurt us or remind us of past hurts. This prompts abuse designed to intimidate, overpower or weaken others so that we are less likely to be hurt. The escapist response derives from fear of everything that could possibly hurt us, and the belief that barriers and avoidance tactics will protect us. These unhealthy response patterns do not heal the underlying fear and they prevent emotional maturity.
We must hold ourselves accountable for the internal and external dynamics that determine our participation in life. Otherwise, we remain regressed and devoid of true joy. Our actions, beliefs, communications, feelings, understanding and values profoundly affect the ultimate consequences of painful or problematic experiences. Not only can we change these elements, we can heal past pain and surrender its symptoms, so that it does not adversely affect our reaction to current circumstances. Self-esteem, happiness and life fulfillment are possible when we acknowledge the power of personal change. Through trial, error and learning, our responses to stressful situations, transform to align with spiritual principles. This is what develops our character and creates healthier and more enjoyable outcomes to all of our experiences.
Mary Cook is the author of “Grace Lost and Found: From Addictions and Compulsions to Satisfaction and Serenity”, available from Barnes & Noble, Amazon.com etc She is a national speaker and has a private practice in San Pedro, CA. Mary is available for telephone and office counseling, guided meditation, speaking engagements and in-service training. Contact her at MaryCookMA@att.net and see website for further information. WWW.MARYCOOKMA.COM
