The Insecure Soul’s Roadmap: The Push-Pull Relationship

Are you in a healthy relationship or are you trapped in a Push-Pull Relationship?

What Is A Push-Pull Relationship?

by Nadia Khalil Bradley

Imagine this scenario: You love someone but they push you away and want you to leave. So you leave and as soon as you do, they fight tooth and nail to get you back. You ask yourself why they want you back after wanting you to leave so badly in the first place. They didn’t respect you when they had you so why the sudden change? Despite your misgivings, you decide to go back only to find out that once again they don’t respect you. What gives?

This scenario plays out when your partner is insecure in his/her own feelings about themselves. They don’t feel they are worth being with, which subjects you to a Push-Pull Relationship. They know that they don’t love themselves and think that you will eventually figure out that they’re not worth loving. They also realize that because they can’t love themselves, they cannot fully love you either. They want you back because when you are gone they respect you for being smart enough to leave them. When you do come back they don’t respect you, this time for being stupid enough to come back.

So why do you return? Because when you leave, to them you become the most beautiful and wonderful person they know. When you’re gone they tell you everything you wanted to hear while you were there. They will say things that sound very charming and alluring about the longevity of the relationship and about unconditional love. So now that your partner says that they miss and need you, you start to feel valued which is what you wanted all along. Now that they’ve “changed” you go back, but then you’re subsequently surprised when you find yourself in the same position you were in before, which was why you left in the first place. Why do you stay? Because every time you leave they once again tell you what you want to hear.

As time goes by you find that you still aren’t respected and you leave again. That constant leaving and staying becomes the cycle of the Push-Pull Relationship. You don’t know how to leave or how to stay. This can last a lifetime or until one partner outgrows the game and decides to leave permanently.

The partner who is the pusher and the puller is nice on the way in and nice on the way out. However, just when you believe you are settled, they create self-motivated drama that drives you away. Keep in mind that this behavior isn’t specific to you. It is driven by their insecurity and lack of self-love and will be the same no matter who they are with. And if it’s not you, it will be with Jane/John Doe as insecure people lack the confidence to do anything alone.

I have found that often when people have problems in their marriage, one of the two has this personality type. Their marriages are the ones where everything looks great on the outside, shiny and new, and then there is the real story that comes out once the healthy partner has to run for their life.

If you find yourself in this situation with your partner and you love them, I highly recommend that you both go to counseling so that your partner can begin to catch on that they are causing the push and pull that goes on.

Insecurity cannot be seen. We think it is normal because it is so common, but in reality, it is a catalyst to grow us. When you find yourself having grown past that catalyst, know that now is time to grow away and grow on.