Drop the Hot Potato: Transforming the Energy of Relationships
By Karen M Rider
Couples fight-sometimes fairly and sometimes, like a recent one between my spouse and I, not at all. We pushed blame back and forth like a hot potato. Neither of us seemed willing to drop it, nor take possession of it. When couples can’t rise from the depths of nasty disagreements to arrive on common (or at least neutral) ground, dangerous times may lie ahead. How can couples keep the energy of their relationship in the light of love and out of the darkness of fear and blame?
It begins with understanding that your present relationship is tethered to the energy of the relationships you experienced in your own childhood. Much as we may have promised ourselves we would not have “the relationship our parents had,” we may find that is exactly what we’ve got-with plenty of hot potatoes to go around!
Why is that?
“It’s an impossible promise to keep [to ourselves],” says David Gilroy, LPC a psychotherapist with Hartford Family Institute in West Hartford, Connecticut, “because part of what happens in childhood is that we take in the whole the climate in the home.”
The reason that, well into adulthood, we are deeply impacted by childhood is because this is where we learned how to be in relationship with others, including relationships you have, today. Psychologists call this the attachment process.
“The attachment process is the basis on which a person organizes themselves physically, emotionally and spiritually at the one point in time when they were most vulnerable and most dependent-childhood,” explains Donna Baker-Gilroy, PsyD., LPC. David and Donna are not only husband and wife, they are co-creators of a new model of relationship counseling that encourages partners in a relationship to “come as you are.”
What do those early relationships have to do with your relationship in the here-and-now?
Love and Belonging According to David and Donna, as children, we may have learned that to stay safe and to feel a sense of belonging in the family we had to alter our view of reality-to see only what was acceptable to our parents. (BTW, this is common in a home where addiction or abuse is present, but none of us are immune from relationship imprinting). A child finds ways to adapt and integrate the energy of a relationship they know is somehow “wrong” but must accept in order to feel safe and loved.
“To feel that we are loved and we belong, no matter what, goes on with us from childhood into adulthood. As adults, we carrying around the ‘then’ of our early life experiences-what was safe to feel, express or even to see. These experiences, the feelings and behaviors . . . are not just stored as memories in the mind but in the body and spirit, as well,” Donna explains.
David adds, “There comes a point when each of us needs help unhooking from those perceptions, [releasing ourselves from the energy of relationship patterns] that no longer serve our highest potential.”
Transforming Relationships After more than 20 years counseling individuals, couples and families, Donna and David developed a philosophy of transforming relationships that embraces the tenets of Western and Eastern Psychology. The principles of conflict management also are significant to their work (see Side Bar). Donna and David help people release themselves from the energy of past ideas about relationship and ground themselves in a place of loving compassion, understanding, appreciation and acceptance of their own and their partner’s feelings, dreams, perceptions and experiences.
“No matter where you are in a relationship, you don’t have to change anything about who you are. People are always trying to disown, disregard, and depress parts of themselves and their past,” Donna shares, “David and I say, Come as you are-it’s really okay.”
David and Donna teach that we need to learn how to “accept all aspects of who we are and to understand the myriad ways that we attempt to reject and defend old ways of feeling, doing and being.”
“It is possible to step out of blame into responsibility,” David chimes in, “When two people experience safe attachment in a relationship, the dynamic of that relationship changes.”
“Even when a couple is fighting?” I ask.
“Yes. Even, and especially, when there is fight,” Donna responds.
The Hidden Meaning of a Fight “The other day,” David beings, “the fire alarm went off in our building, even though there was no fire. It happens often in this old building and the fire department is never happy about a false alarm. I was responsible for handling the event. In the midst of all of it, Donna approached me with a question. I snapped at her. All of us have these moments.”
“In these moments, it’s what you do when and what you are able to bring awareness to as you move through them that matters,” Donna says, “I felt hurt by David’s reaction. Was I not in a centered place myself at that moment, I most likely would have retaliated. And there we would be, verbally shoving at one another over nothing, really.”
“How did the fight end?” I ask.
“I was able to respond to David with awareness for where he was in that moment. I stepped out of the fight by not pushing back at him-or as you describe, I didn’t push the hot potato back at him. This diffused the negative energy that rose [within me] when he snapped at me and triggered my [vulnerability]. Later in the day, David apologized.”
“And Donna gracefully forgave me,” David laughs.
“You are saying when a couple-or, even just one of them-holds a place of loving acceptance, they should be able to respond to one another from a place of love, rather than from fear and this changes the fight,” I modestly suggest.
“Whenever our hearts open to love, we can also feel whatever wounds our hearts have endured and that’s where fear resides,” states David.
The hidden meaning of a fight is actually a common source of fear for partners in a relationship: The fear of losing the other.
It’s a simple idea with a solution more complex than it sounds: Address the fears that drive each individual in the relationship and the relationship transforms.
Although people share the same fear, the reasons for it are different and those reasons are rooted in childhood. According to Donna and David, a child’s need to be safely connected (attached) continues throughout life into all relationships, most especially intimate relationships. If the fear that we will lose the other whom we have come to love is strong enough, then we behave in ways that the child inside us thinks will prevent that most feared outcome. And, as most of us know, children respond with strong emotions, not logic and patience. In the end, we wind-up with two grown-ups acting from a child’s perspective and responding to a child’s fears.
“At any time, we’re all capable of suddenly being triggered, fearing we’ll lose our most precious relationship. Sadly, out of our defensiveness, [many couples] actually co-create the loss they so desperately want to avoid.”
Changing the Energy of a ‘The Fight’ When David and Donna work with clients, sometimes it is in tandem, one couple and two therapists (versus one as in traditional couple’s therapy). They explore the issues that brought a client or couple to their office, but as David explains, the past always pops-up:
“Past experience surfaces in an organic way. At some point, one or the other partner usually says, ‘You’re just like your mother’ and it’s not a compliment. The past comes along with us, into the present, whether we are aware of it or not. If we become conscious of this, we can bring understanding and compassion to our fears, our need for control…”
“. . .and, we can change the energy of ‘the fight.'” Donna finishes David’s sentence.
“Meaning?”
“In every relationship, fighting serves a function. Typically, [during a fight] a couple pushes blame back and forth,” David says.
In my mind’s eye, I see my husband and me pushing the ‘hot potato’ at each other.
“Regardless of the topic, every fight has the same negative energy.”
“It’s very toxic,” adds Donna, “The fight masks their real fears-the real issues.”
To help couples change the energy of a fight, David and Donna teach a process they call, Beginning Anew. Beginning Anew involves bringing non-judgmental awareness and compassion into the emotional heat of a conflict. The couple learns to communicate without fear and negativity, to take responsibility for their feelings and actions and resolve conflict without blaming each other or themselves. Essentially, couples are learning how to live the energy of a relationship. They learn new ways to cope and to be present for one another and their children. David elaborates:
“Two people committed to one another understand that good relationships will include fights, feeling bad and tapping one’s fears. Knowing that our closest human companion is willing to appreciate, love and try to understand us, is the greatest gift we can give a partner, ourselves, and our children if that is the case.”
I don’t know about you, but I find when I live the energy of a relationship -accepting the highs and lows and bringing to it compassionate understanding-it feels more fulfilling, less chaotic. I think my children sense this, too. In the end, this is the gift that my spouse and I most want to share with our children.
Now, we know better how to do it, even when the potato is really hot.
Resolve a Conflict without Blame Adapted from the book, Transforming Relationships
Beginning Anew is a process that incorporates conflict resolution as taught by Thich Nhat Hanh with the wisdom that healthy couples, when they do argue, are still able to show an appreciation for one another and show a commitment to being aware of their impact on one another. Beginning Anew involves bringing non-judgmental awareness and compassion to feelings that arise during a conflict and communicating without blame.
The process emphasizes responsibility for feelings and actions and resolving conflict without blaming one’s partner or one’s self.
1) One partner becomes aware of being entrenched in a fight and disengages: ‘This isn’t helpful. Let’s take a break.’ Negative energy diffused. Partners take time to reflect. 2) Partners come back together. First partner expresses appreciation for the other, which acts like a shield against negative energy. Next, express regret about lack of skill in the earlier dialogue. For example, during a recent argument, I stated: “I appreciate how organized you are with projects. I’m sorry I wasn’t listening more carefully. I know it bothers you when I act impetuously.” 3) Express feelings experienced without blaming. For example, “When you said I don’t do things the right way, I felt hurt and unappreciated for my efforts.” 4) The other partner gets a turn. This may go back and forth until each partner feels understood. (My spouse responded: “This project can’t be done piecemeal. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Let me share my plan with you.”)
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