Mark Waldman – Words Can Change Your Brain
In our research, words are number eight on a list of the eight most important communication strategies. The first is to make eye contact, in a very specific way. You want to look at the face of the other person, with a welcoming smile and a soft expression. Do not frown, because that would cause a defensive reaction. You want to be able to maintain a very direct eye contact, so you can read facial expressions, which are not verbal, and which are far more important than words. We have to pay very close attention to the facial expressions of the other person. That is absolutely essential. When we cannot, we have to have a smile, with a sweet look. We found that most people only listen to the words and talk too fast. So we have to slow down, to see facial expressions, to listen more deeply to the tone of voice. That’s when we started to really understand what the other person means.
Omtimes: Tell us about the 30-second rule and why we should only speak a sentence or two at a time.
Mark Waldman: The human brain can only hold 4 “chunks” or tiny bits of information in our conscious minds for 30 seconds or less. In other words, if one person speaks for 2-3 minutes (the average time most people talk before they stop to listen), the listener will only remember 10-20 seconds of what was said, and often, not the important part! No wonder why everyone feels misunderstood.
Omtimes: You’re saying we talk too much?
Mark Waldman: Yes. We have hundreds of thoughts going through our minds every minute, and when we speak, we are usually rambling through this noise or “inner speech” as scientists call it.
Omtimes: In light of all of your new insights, exactly what is your impression about social networks?
Mark Waldman: I have a son who grew up with Facebook. I thought this created distance between people, but now I think it’s a cultural difference between the elderly and younger. It is true that if you write text or send by e-mail a message, it is very difficult to express positive emotions. A normal message by e-mail, or text message, in Facebook, tends to be read more negatively than I it meant the person. But if you study online communication, you begin to see that our children are learning to create unique ways to express feelings and emotions in this text, such as symbols and happy faces. It creates closeness, but I discovered, and research supported it, that people can use text messages and emails as a form of distant social connection. From them, people can begin to form closer relationships. If you leave out the connection face to face, you lose a tremendous amount of communication process, even using Skype. The electronic voice does not reflect what is going on between you and me at this time. We have to learn every aspect of how deeply and intimately a talk is to build confidence rather than suspicion.
