5 Relationship Secrets for Emotionally Empathic Souls
Emotionally Empathic Souls, emotional empaths, face different challenges with their relationships
Emotionally Empathic Souls and Relationships
Loneliness gets to some more than others. But why it hangs on isn’t always apparent when read by traditional medical eyes. In my medical practice and workshops, I’ve been struck by how many sensitive, empathic people who I call “emotional empaths” come to me, lonely, wanting a romantic partner, yet remaining single for years. Or else they’re in relationships but feel constantly fatigued and overwhelmed. The reason isn’t simply that “there aren’t enough emotionally available people ‘out there,’” nor is their burnout “neurotic.” Personally and professionally, I’ve discovered that something more is going on.
Emotional empaths are a species unto themselves. Whereas others may thrive on the togetherness of being a couple, for empaths like me, too much togetherness can be difficult, may cause us to bolt. Why? We tend to intuit and absorb our partner’s energy, and become overloaded, anxious, or exhausted when we don’t have time to decompress in our own space. We’re super-responders; our sensory experience of relationship is the equivalent of feeling objects with fifty fingers instead of five. Energetically sensitive people unknowingly avoid romantic partnership because deep down they’re afraid of getting engulfed. Or else, they feel engulfed when coupled, a nerve-wracking, constrictive way to live. If this isn’t understood, empaths can stay perpetually lonely; we want companionship, but, paradoxically, it doesn’t feel safe. One empath-patient told me, “It helps explain why at thirty-two I’ve only had two serious relationships, each lasting less than a year.” Once we empaths learn to set boundaries and negotiate our energetic preferences, intimacy becomes possible.
For emotional empaths to be at ease in a relationship, the traditional paradigm for coupling must be redefined. Most of all, this means asserting your personal space needs–the physical and time limits you set with someone so you don’t feel they’re on top of you. Empaths can’t fully experience emotional freedom with another until they do this. Your space needs can vary with your situation, upbringing, and culture. My ideal distance to keep in public is at least an arm’s length. In doctors’ waiting rooms I’ll pile my purse and folders on the seats beside me to keep others away. With friends, it’s about half that. With a mate it’s variable. Sometimes it’s rapture being wrapped in his arms; later I may need to be in a room of my own, shut away. One boyfriend who truly grasped the concept got me a “Keep Out” sign for my study door! For me, this was a sign of true love. All of us have an invisible energetic border that sets a comfort level. Identifying and communicating yours will prevent you from being bled dry by others. Then intimacy can flourish, even if you’ve felt suffocated before. Prospective mates or family members may seem like emotional vampires when you don’t know how to broach the issue of personal space. You may need to educate others–make clear that this isn’t about not loving them–but get the discussion going. Once you can, you’re able to build progressive relationships.
If you’re an empath or if the ordinary expectations of coupledom don’t jibe with you practice the following tips.
Emotionally Empathic Souls Tip 1. What to say to a potential mate
As you’re getting to know someone, share that you’re a sensitive person, that you periodically need quiet time. The right partner will be understanding; the wrong person will put you down for being “overly sensitive,” won’t respect your need.
Emotionally Empathic Souls Tip 2. Clarify your preferred sleep style
Traditionally, partners sleep in the same bed. However, some empaths never get used to this, no matter how caring a mate. Nothing personal; they just like their own sleep space. Speak up about your preferences. Feeling trapped in bed with someone, not getting a good night’s rest, is torture. Energy fields blend during sleep, which can overstimulate empaths. So, discuss options with your mate. Separate beds. Separate rooms. Sleeping together a few nights a week. Because non-empaths may feel lonely sleeping alone, make compromises when possible.
Emotionally Empathic Souls Tip 3. Negotiate your square footage needs
You may be thrilled about your beloved until you live together. Experiment with creative living conditions so your home isn’t a prison. Breathing room is mandatory. Ask yourself, “What space arrangements are optimal?” Having an area to retreat to, even if it’s a closet? A room divider? Separate bathrooms? Separate houses? I prefer having my own bedroom/office to retreat to. I also can see the beauty of separate wings or adjacent houses if affordable. Here’s why: conversations, scents, coughing, movement can feel intrusive. Even if my partner’s vibes are sublime, sometimes I’d rather not sense them even if they’re only hovering near me. I’m not just being finicky; it’s about maintaining well-being if I live with someone.
Emotionally Empathic Souls Tip 4. Travel wisely
Traveling with someone, you may want to have separate space too. Whether my companion is romantic or not, I’ll always have adjoining rooms with my own bathroom. If sharing a room is the only option, hanging a sheet as a room divider will help. “Out of sight” may make the heart grow fonder.
Emotionally Empathic Souls Tip 5. Take regular mini-breaks
Empaths require private downtime to regroup. Even a brief escape prevents emotional overload. Retreat for five minutes into the bathroom with the door shut. Take a stroll around the block. Read in a separate room. One patient told her boyfriend, “I need to disappear into a quiet room for ten minutes at a party, even if I’m having fun,” a form of self-care that he supports.
In my medical practice, I’ve seen this creative approach to relationships save marriages and make ongoing intimacies feel safe, even for emotional empaths (of all ages) who’ve been lonely and haven’t had a long-term partner before. Once you’re able to articulate your needs, emotional freedom in your relationships is possible.
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You will also enjoy Judith Orloff: The Empath’s Survival Guide and Open Your Empathic Tool Box
About the Author
Dr. Orloff is a best-selling author, a psychiatrist, an empath, and is on the UCLA Psychiatric Clinical Faculty. She synthesizes the pearls of traditional medicine with cutting edge knowledge of intuition, energy, and spirituality. Dr. Orloff also specializes in treating empaths and highly sensitive people in her private practice. drjudithorloff.com
Absolutely love this article. It validates my being!
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wow and i was beginning to think i’m weird or something…this is me. Thank you so much 🙂
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This is totally me. Thank you for putting into words what I feel. I know i will be able to have a real committed relationship with someone one day, but while that happens I am really glad to have run into this article to explain the things I feel around others, especially the girls/women in my life… I literally do a lot of what you say in here because I am so sensitive to what I feel when I am around people. People think I am crazy, and I have worked my ass off to get better at handling situations around people, but it is still hard for me. I am definitely the type that has to leave the room of party for a few minutes or seconds even when he is having fun because emotions and feelings get too strong and i need a break!
Keep up the good work and shedding light into this…. I really appreciate the work you all do 🙂
I am fortunate to have a husband who is similar to how I am. We have our bedroom, I have my office, and he has his man-cave. Our routine is that we give each other space. I wake up early and have time to myself. He wakes up and I leave him alone. I go to work in the afternoon, he is a disabled vet so he stays home. We spend our evenings cooking together, watching a movie, playing a game, or just sitting in silence near each other. When I’m home more often and he feels the need to retreat, he goes on nature walks, sometimes he goes overnight to reconnect with nature, God, his spiritual intent in life. It really is beautiful how things have worked out for us (it took us over 30 years to find each other!). Thanks for the article.
It sounds that you are Blessed with a truly beautiful relationship. We take joy in your joy!
thank you for this <3
How do you distinguish between being an empath and the ego fusion that occurs naturally in the emotional bonding in a relationship. In both the “symptoms” are the same and the solutions are the same..
Thank you for this there have been times where my space has been invaded by family and I would explode on them also times where I have been hanging out with friends too much and giving them to much of my energy, them not always deserving it so I would isolate myself from them an they not knowing why I’m glad to see that I’m not wrong for this.
Everyone needs there own space at some point! But I totally get it. I struggle with the initiation of a relationship, all the insecurities from the other partner and this effects my own emotions and approach to the situation but once you find comfort with someone all that changes. I love making someone happy and feeling that joy or lifting there spirit when down. Being around a positive partner is amazing. Empaths pick up emotions all the time I dont see how your partners once you are comfortable can be over baring. It more about needing space to cleanse and rid yourself of emotional baggage from social consciousness and having a partner that understands this. I totally get the party thing or large groups with negative energy but you can also feel a buzz from being around large groups of positive energy but you will feel drained after. I agreed with a lot of the points but dont understand the emphasis on it being about the partner and needeing space from there energy, Namaste x
Wow.. This describes me to the T especially sharing a bed with a loved one. I cannot sleep and receive a good night sleep. I am glad to know I’m not weird ha! Thanks so much!!
Wow so incredibly accurate. I have almost never been able to be in relation for long. My present–and only one– has gone through some demanding matters for both. By having your own space it really helps ease tension.