Don’t Let Your Past Ruin Your Present Relationship

I’ve been talking to some of my patients lately about how to maintain a good present relationship, once they’ve found the person they want to be with. We’ve discussed some attitudes and behaviors that they’ve carried with them from their early lives and how some of these aren’t necessarily conducive to success in intimacy.

For many of my patients, hurtful experiences in their early lives have created some counterproductive attitudes and behaviors, and their relationships have suffered as a result. The conclusion we came to is that most people don’t want to do a lot of emotional heavy lifting in a relationship. They’d like things to be relatively free of drama and angst. When my patients engage in these problematic behaviors, it creates stress for their partners and puts a strain on their relationships.

So, what are these troublesome behaviors and attitudes? The first one we identified is being overly suspicious. A partner wants to feel that they’re trusted. If you sense, deep down, that you can’t trust your partner, you need to look at whether this is a result of your own inability to trust or because of some troubling behavior on their part. You need to deal with your emotional baggage around trust and let go of your suspicious attitude. I not, this will poison the relationship.

Another problematic issue is being too high-maintenance. If you’re overly particular, your partner will soon tire of your constant litany of requirements and complaints. Everyone has their list of the things they can’t live with or can’t live without, but when the list goes on and on, your partner most likely will find your fussiness overwhelming and unattractive. It’s so much nicer to be with someone who’s easy-going.

Of course, nagging is an obvious deal-breaker. No-one wants to feel harangued. If your partner won’t go along with your requests, you’ll need to sort out why that is and see if the two of you can learn to cooperate. If not, you’ll need to get out of the relationship, because the more you nag, the more likely it is that they’ll resent you.

Another no-win behavior is being overly critical. Most people aren’t going to stick around for very long if they feel denigrated in their relationship. People want to feel good about themselves, and if they feel they can’t do anything right in your eyes, it’s almost a guaranteed deal-breaker.

It’s an especially bad move when you put your partner down in front of other people. Public humiliation is a huge no-no. If you want your relationship to last, this behavior has got to stop immediately.

People who are sweet-tempered tend to do better in their relationships than those who leak resentment or hostility. Your partner can always tell when you feel warmly toward them and when you’re disdainful or contemptuous. It may be that unconsciously, you’re reacting to your partner as though they were similar to some hurtful person(s) from your past. That might explain you behavior but it doesn’t excuse it or make it tolerable. If you can’t be nice to your partner, you’re going to find yourself on your own.

So, these are some things on the “not to do” list that everyone should be aware of if they want their love life to go smoothly. No matter what your experiences were, growing up, letting your issues from the past interfere with your relationship today is a sure-fire way to sabotage it. It’s in your best interest to deal with these issues and put your past behind you. In this way, you’ll be able to be your most loving, lovely self in your present relationship.

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About the Author

Marcia Sirota MD FRCP(C) is a board-certified psychiatrist, that does not ascribe to any one theoretical school. Rather, she has integrated her education and life experiences into a unique approach to the practice of psychotherapy. She considers herself a realist with a healthy measure of optimism. Sign up here for her free monthly wellness newsletter. Listen here to her latest podcast. mariasirotamd.com