Iyanla Vanzant: Mastering the 4 Essential Trusts

OMTimes: What are some of the sure signs that “you do not trust yourself”?

Iyanla Vanzant:You have a hard time recognizing, understanding, or believing in your innate value and worth. • You think that you could have done something to change or stop the childhood abuse, neglect, or abandonment that you experienced. • You do things to prove yourself and your value to others. • You try to control everything around you so you can feel safe. • You minimize or deny your own needs. • It is sometimes difficult for you to recognize or tell the truth. • You are unable to find, or value, your own voice. • You mentally relive or rehash past traumas or adverse events. • You break the promises that you’ve made to yourself. • You fail to keep the commitments and/or agreements that you’ve made with others. • You deny or minimize your power of choice.

OMTimes: How can firm boundaries help to build trust?

Iyanla Vanzant: A boundary makes and keeps us aware of how far we can go, how much we can do, and what we can expect and will accept from others. The purpose of having boundaries is to protect the physical, mental, and emotional self from unwanted intrusions. When you know what is expected of you, you have the power to choose whether or not you want to participate or be in relationships with people. Having clear boundaries and honoring them is a critical element in the development of trust. Too often we allow people to “behave badly” and to overstep our boundaries. Even when we do summon the courage to draw a line in the sand, when someone actually crosses that line, too often we go back and draw another line.