Living Apart Together – Will It Work For You?

One of the signs of modern times is more relationships have couples not cohabitating, but being “Living Apart Together.”

Is Living Apart Together a Relationship Style That’s Right for You?

Some engaged couples are stressing out about the rising costs of getting married. The average cost of a wedding today is just over 30 thousand dollars. Some couples try to save money by choosing to go the city hall route, but there’s one group of people that are trying something altogether different.

Whether or not they choose to get married, many couples follow the familiar model of relationships in which they meet, fall in love and then move in together. Lately, though, some people are defying the stereotype and choosing to be in loving, long-term relationships without the benefits of cohabiting. They’re doing what’s called Living Apart Together.

According to 2011 data from Statistics Canada, almost two million Canadians were in a Living Apart Together couple. I imagine that there are even more people doing this, today.

For younger couples, the choice to be together but live apart is often due to financial circumstances or because of separations brought on by work or school. For couples aged 60 and over, however, the most common reason for choosing this type of arrangement is to remain independent.

In the younger age group, the majority of people plan to eventually move in with their partner, whereas in the older group, the majority have no such plans. These individuals want to maintain their own homes and their own lifestyles while being in a committed relationship with their partner.

In the older age group, most have been married before and have grown children. These individuals don’t want to give up their autonomy, and many aren’t interested in starting all over again, doing all the things involved with caring for a spouse. Some don’t want to complicate their kids’ inheritance. Some just like having the space to do their own thing.

When thinking about this type of arrangement, many advantages are immediately obvious. People in a Living Apart Together couple can have a strong sense of independence while also enjoying the benefits of intimacy. They can bring more romance, passion, and novelty to the relationship when they come together after time spent apart.

For Living Apart Together couples, they can experience less conflict in their relationship, because they’re able to go home and cool off when they’re feeling angry or frustrated with their partner. If they’re getting on each other’s nerves, they can retreat to their separate corners with no-one feeling abandoned or rejected.

Another advantage to the Living Apart Together arrangement is that these couples tend to feel less stuck in an unsatisfying relationship because if things aren’t working out, it’s much easier to walk away. They don’t have the stress of splitting up their possessions, cleaning out an apartment or selling a house. If the relationship isn’t making them happy, they can choose to end it, no harm, no foul.

Couples who opt for this type of relationship that often can have a greater appreciation for one another. Not being together every moment of every day can make the partner’s value each-other more and be more grateful for the time they have together. They’re less likely to take each other for granted, and they’re more likely to expend the effort to make each moment count.

Sometimes, when a couple moves in together, and they aren’t actually compatible, the fact of cohabiting makes them believe that they’re closer than they are. They’ve invested emotionally and financially in sharing space, so it’s that much harder to imagine splitting up. A couple like this might remain together for longer than they should; tolerating a relationship that ought to have ended a long time ago.

In Living Apart Together couples, there’s no sense of an artificially increased commitment to the relationship that happens when people choose to live together. How they feel about the relationship is based on how the relationship is actually going for them.

For someone who’s raised their children and has had a career, they often have no interest in being a home-maker or physical care-taker at this point in their life. An arrangement such as Living Apart Together could suit such a person, as it confers all the benefits of a loving relationship while avoiding many of the drawbacks.

For someone who’s been surrounded by children and grandchildren for years, the Living Apart Together arrangement could provide them with much-needed alone time to focus on self-care and to do the things that they find most meaningful. It can also give them the space to enjoy the things that their partner isn’t into.

If they like watching sports on TV and their partner doesn’t, for example, they can do it on their own time and never have to feel bad for inflicting hours of play-by-play on the other person. If they enjoy sitting in front of the computer for hours on end, they can do it on their own time and never have to feel guilty for neglecting their partner.

Of course, it’s not all sunshine and roses. The Living Apart Together arrangement only works if both people are fully on board. If one partner is really into it and the other is just going along, things won’t end well for either of them.

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On the negative side, there’s the cost of keeping up two households, and the feeling for certain Living Apart Together couples that their relationship is “neither here nor there.” For some individuals in Living Apart Together couples, it can be easier to stray, as no-one is keeping track of what the other person is doing in their free time. There’s also social pressure from friends and family members who expect the couple to live under one roof.

In Living Apart Together couples, it can be almost too easy to avoid dealing with the difficult issues that come up between them. One can always just go home if things start getting overly challenging, but over time, these unresolved issues can lead to a rupture in the fabric of the relationship.

And perhaps because absence doesn’t always make the heart grow fonder, living apart could lead to a feeling of being insufficiently connected, which could eventually result in the breakdown of intimacy and the decline of the relationship.

Still, it’s an intriguing idea. It’s certainly not for everyone, but in this day and age of alternative living arrangements and lifestyles, it’s definitely worth considering. In fact, when you think about it, it might be exactly what your relationship could use.

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About the Author

Marcia Sirota MD FRCP(C) is a board-certified psychiatrist, that does not ascribe to any one theoretical school. Rather, she has integrated her education and life experiences into a unique approach to the practice of psychotherapy. She considers herself a realist with a healthy measure of optimism. Sign up here for her free monthly wellness newsletter.