Three Steps to Forgiving Ourselves
If you are longing for the sense of freedom that comes with letting go of shame, guilt, and self-recrimination, and want to transform that pain to wisdom, practice forgiving ourselves.
The Keys to Forgiving Ourselves
By Charles Garfield
A friend of mine picked up a tiny plastic baby doll in a store and slipped it into her pocket when she was five years old. She is in her sixties now, but she has been carrying that doll with her ever since (not literally, but as a guilty secret – evidence of how even as a child she couldn’t be trusted). No one caught her, but she’s been punishing herself for that little girl’s crime ever since.
Many of us also do something similar: we hold onto memories of the ways we’ve fallen short, inflicted harm, or failed to measure up. Our transgressions may be larger than the theft of a cellophane-wrapped trinket. Perhaps we harmed others, made unwise decisions, let someone down, or betrayed them – or betrayed ourselves – and these things weigh us down with guilt, shame, and regret. That load can become crippling if we don’t address it—it doesn’t go away by itself.
I know this well because I spent years sitting at the bedsides of people who were dying, listening as they told me the stories of their shortcomings, their regrets, and their “crimes,” hoping to find peace in the time they had left. Some of the most liberating work we did together had to do with self-forgiveness.
If you are longing for the sense of freedom that comes with letting go of shame, guilt, and self-recrimination—and want to transform that pain to wisdom—here are three steps to forgiving ourselves that can help you:
1. Look curiously and compassionately at the person whose behavior you are judging so harshly that earlier version of yourself. It can be very helpful to pull out a photo of yourself at the age you were when the behavior occurred. Were you a small child, like my friend? An insecure teen? A stressed and lost new parent? As you bring that person to mind, breathe deeply, and feel the reality of who they were, what they feared, what they had yet to learn. Bear witness to who you were. Know that you did the best you could as the person you were then, with the resources and understandings and maturity you had available to you. Know, too, that you can open your heart now and offer that very flawed and human person kindness and love. The person in the photo, this younger version of yourself, deserves to be loved.
2. Put the weight of your attention and behavior on what you have the power to change—your actions in the present. If you’ve hurt someone, take responsibility for your actions, and if it’s appropriate, make apologies and amends. Do this by acknowledging to the other person the way you’ve hurt them, then apologizing (using the words “I’m sorry”). Ask what you can do to make things right, and then request the other person’s forgiveness. You can do this in person or in a letter. If the other person is dead, you can write a letter of acknowledgment and apology and read it to a photo of them. Even if forgiveness is not forthcoming, an apology can be deeply healing.
3. Offer yourself the gift of acceptance. Like every human, you are a complex mix of strengths and weaknesses that exist side by side. Yes, failings, shortcomings, and hurts are a part of your story. But there’s more to you than that; a light inside that has never gone out. Choose now to feed that light with compassion, gentleness, and self-care. If you notice that you’re telling yourself punishing stories of how bad you are, refocus and breathe life into the nuanced human who lives inside you, willing to grow, learn and love.
As you treat yourself with kindness rather than harsh self-judgments, know that you’re increasing your capacity to offer the same empathy, understanding, and compassion to others. All of us fall short. All of us deserve love anyway. We need to practice forgiving ourselves.
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If Three Steps to Forgiving Ourselves resonated, read Overcoming Shame
About the Author
Charles Garfield is a psychologist and best-selling author based in California. His new book, Our Wisdom Years: Growing Older with Joy, Fulfillment, Resilience, and No Regrets (Central Recovery Press), offers further resources, meditations, and exercises aimed at forgiveness.
