Claire Willis – Finding your Way through Pain and Loss
Claire Willis is a clinical social worker who has worked in bereavement for more than 20 years and the author of Opening to Grief.
An Interview with Claire Willis – Opening to Grief: Finding your Way through Pain and Loss
OMTimes: What do you mean when you use the word Grief?
Claire Willis: We often think we know what Grief is, but it’s actually hard to describe. Perhaps the first thing to say is that Grief is a normal and natural response to a major loss that occurs when a meaningful relationship is ruptured. And it is, for most people, immensely painful.
As humans, there are obvious losses that will come to most of us – parents, siblings, friends, and relatives. There are also more invisible losses that some of us may experience, losses that are less culturally recognized, such as infertility, the loss of a beloved pet, the loss of a home, innocence, health, or the loss of capacities as we age.
Then there are the losses that I call macro losses, the degradation of the environment, economic chaos, or the losses caused by war. While we may not know the people involved in these catastrophes, there is still a rupture of the relationship among humans. Most recently, the glaring exposure of racism, police brutality and systemic oppression of African-Americans across the US has become a source of deep Grief and outrage to all people of conscience.
OMTimes: How does Grief manifest in our lives?
Claire Willis: Grief may manifest in intense physical sensations, such as loss of appetite, a feeling of anxiety, unrest or restlessness in the body, or a feeling of overwhelming exhaustion. Grief affects emotions, appearing as irritation, sadness, anger, depression, or numbness. And Grief affects cognition, too. Many people experience difficulties concentrating, remembering things, or even thinking straight.
OMTimes: Is there a grief timetable or path so people know what to expect?
Claire Willis: No, there really isn’t a timetable or a single path. Grief takes as long as it takes. There are as many different expressions of Grief as there are people who are grieving.
I spend a lot of time in my clinical work normalizing whatever someone’s experience is because there is no right way to grieve.
OMTimes: What would you say to someone who says that they will never get over losing someone they loved?
Claire Willis: I would say that is true. You may never get over losing the person you love. But that may be welcome news, since you may keep memories of the person you lost in ways that will comfort and sustain you. It’s important to allow and feel the pain of missing someone or something you loved, to let the pain be the pain, not hoping that it will disappear, but trusting that at some point it will fit into your life.
OMTimes: Both you and your co-author, Marnie Crawford Samuelson, are practicing Buddhists. Opening to Grief offers several meditations; how can a mindfulness practice help someone through Grief?
Claire Willis: We introduce some basic ideas of being mindful: paying a kind of warm-hearted attention to life as it unfolds in the present moment; being aware of your thoughts and feelings without getting caught up in or judging them; relaxing and settling into calm and stillness, and feeling grateful for the life that is yours. We show you how it is possible to lean toward and stay with raw, uncomfortable feelings of Grief, even when you feel overwhelmed and want to run away.
One way a mindfulness practice helps is by drawing your attention to your breathing. This is a way of calming your body and mind. When we are grieving, we may be overwhelmed by fears of the future or memories of the past. The essential quality of mindfulness is about living in the present moment. Being mindful reduces stress, increases our emotional resilience to difficulties, and helps us cultivate more steadiness.
OMTimes: How does someone know whether they are grieving or depressed, and whether to consult with a mental health professional?
Claire Willis: Grief is characterized by a complicated mix of emotions, including acute sorrow, and is a normal response to a major loss such as death, disease, divorce, or violence in the world. Grief comes and goes with intensity so that people often find they can experience moments of relief and joy.
Some behaviors that would immediately signal a need for help would include thoughts of suicide, isolating, and preoccupation with the deceased.
If feelings of sadness or hopelessness are persistent and blanket everything, that may indicate depression, rather than simple or even more Complicated Grief. If you feel you might be depressed, it would be wise to consult with mental health or medical professional.
OMTimes: What advice do you have for people who are suffering from Grief?
Claire Willis: Though this may be hard to believe or accept, especially when Grief is new and raw, Grief is an invitation to grow and eventually to find meaning in suffering and experiences of loss that you did not ask for and do not want. A heart that is broken open offers a precious gift—a chance to become more authentic with yourself and with others. In the case of the pandemic, it is a wakeup call to attend to the health of our planet and consider how we might live differently, and what we can do to help repair the rupture in our home.
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About Claire B. Willis
Claire B. Willis is a clinical social worker who has worked in oncology and bereavement for more than 20 years. A co-founder of the Boston nonprofit Facing Cancer Together, Willis has led bereavement, end-of-life, support, and therapeutic writing groups. She maintains a private practice in Brookline, Massachusetts. As a lay Buddhist chaplain, Claire focuses on contemplative practices for end-of-life care. In addition to Opening to Grief, Willis is the author of Lasting Words: A Guide to Finding Meaning Toward the Close of Life. OpeningtoGrief.com
