A New Model for Maturity
By Mary Cook, M.A., R.A.S.
It is in our childhood dependent state that our safety, security and happiness is irrevocably tied to our immediate social environment. When this environment lacks the capacity to provide necessary physical and psychological functions for our well being, we become wounded.
The areas of self or life that are not negatively impacted in childhood are free to evolve. We mature through a process of trial, error, exposure to new information, and training and modeling through a variety of people and experiences in our life. The wounded areas however, generally remain in an immature state. In absence of healing, defenses arise to partially protect us from full awareness of present and future pain. These defenses eliminate or reduce opportunities for growth. As our social environments change and expand through life, our responses in these obstructed areas remain static, until we develop the courage and desire to examine and change ourselves.
The deepest and most enduring wounds generally occur in childhood. Because a clear whole sense of identity has not yet formed, we see our child selves primarily as reactors and responders to others who have power over us. Since thinking in these wounded areas remains static, we continue to over-empower others as the source of our safety, security and happiness into adulthood. This means that in every part of our self and life that holds unhealed wounds, we lack personal awareness and responsibility necessary to experience mature health and happiness. Furthermore, we believe the problem lies either in others or in our lack of skill to change others so they can take responsibility for our well being.
Thus we search for significant others to compensate and correct for previous painful experiences. If we were abandoned as a child, for example, this can translate into seeking a relationship with someone who never does or says anything we could perceive as a potential rejection. They don’t interact or speak with anyone that triggers our jealousy, insecurity or sense of inferiority. They cannot become angry with or hurt by us and withdraw affection or warmth, without us feeling abandoned. If we were abused as a child, we may look for a partner who is always kind, compassionate, sensitive, loving and understanding. They must not raise their voice, become angry, critical, confrontive, controlling, impatient, intolerant or argumentative even for short periods of time, without us feeling endangered.
These examples hopefully illustrate the impossibility of the “right partner” being the solution. To further complicate matters, as human beings we are easily habituated to patterns of acting and thinking, and to attracting people who reflect our unresolved issues. Our patterns eventually become automatic and unconscious to the point where we believe our current experiences confirm the past even when no objective observer would validate this.
We erroneously think we need someone to gratify our needs today in such a magnified and perfect way, so as to eradicate the feeling of their past deprivation for evermore. This is unrealistic, and when we focus on what we missed and need, we reinforce and attract more experiences of missing and needing, rather than gratification. The nature of habituation also means that we become attached to our specific problems and pain and their resulting symptoms and defenses, and are reluctant to give them up. We perceive them as an important part of our identity and even our survival strength.
This accounts for us not believing, internalizing, and reinforcing positive experiences, that can be a part of the healing process. When we do obtain gratification for what we seek, we tend to dilute it with defenses, rather than accept it with gratitude. Because we are looking for a complete healing to come from others, we reject and resist anything short of this. We focus on how the gratification hasn’t lasted long enough yet, likely isn’t sincere, or we set new, higher requirements for gratification.
Healing and maturity doesn’t come from others. It comes from inside us with the help of others. It comes from allowing defensiveness to decrease, internalizing positive experiences, giving positive energy to ourselves and others and processing and releasing past negativity. Experiencing all of our feelings without clinging to them or fighting with them, allows them to evolve.
The heart of our life journey is contained in the closed off places within us. Hidden behind every wound is a great gift waiting to be discovered. If we think of the highest possible outcome of problems and tragedy, we get a glimpse of the power of spirituality and our soul’s purpose.
Our world is filled with examples of the worst possible outcomes. Abuse breeds more abuse, more victims and perpetrators, more alienation, distrust, fear and violence. Abandonment leads to depression, emptiness, enmeshment, manipulation, and worthlessness. Committing to recovery means we take the road of our highest purpose and set new models for maturity and fulfillment in all areas of our life.
Click HERE to Connect with your Daily Horoscope!
WWW.MARYCOOKMA.COM Mary Cook is the author of “Grace Lost and Found: From Addictions and Compulsions to Satisfaction and Serenity”, available from Barnes & Noble, Amazon.com, etc.
Mary has 36 years of clinical practice and 29 years of university teaching experience. She is available for telephone and office counseling, guided meditation, and speaking engagements. Visit me on Facebook.
