Dealing with Anger
by Ann Christine Johnson
Anger is one of the most basic of human emotions. It can be the outcome of us feeling disappointed, aggravated and powerless; or of what we perceive as bigotry or injustice. It is triggered by hostility in others; by their indifference and lack of consideration for others. Anger exists for a reason. It always deserves our attention. We have the right to experience all of our emotions. Anger is no exception.
Our anger may be telling us that we are being hurt or treated unfairly by others; that our basic rights are being violated or ignored; that our wants and needs are not being sufficiently met; that someone or something has not lived up to our expectations; that an event has occurred where we felt we had no control; that we’re doing more or giving more to those around us than is comfortable for us; that we need to make changes in some aspect of our lives. Our anger may be warning us that the people closest to us are doing too much for us at the cost of our own ability and growth. It may motivate us to say “no” to the ways that other people define us and “yes” to the ways that we define ourselves.
Some people suppress and repress their anger. Some people become silent when they feel angry out of fear of open conflict. Others become tearful, self-critical or act ‘hurt’ when they are angry; or they behave in indirect, passive-aggressive ways. They do this because they are afraid of what will happen if they express their anger directly to others. Often this is because they have been taught as children that it’s not okay to express anger; taught that they must stay silent and keep the peace at any cost; taught that they must keep their anger to themselves to circumvent conflict.
Sometime anger builds up inside an individual as they go along with things that don’t suit in relationships, until one day the anger is triggered by a relatively trivial event, resulting in them over-reacting in some way, becoming irrational and unreasonable, or reacting violently either verbally or, in some cases, physically. Going along with others when this isn’t what we want to do is a self-defeating exercise which usually leads to more anger building up inside of us. The solution is this situation is to learn to be assertive (learn to express your wants and needs, how you really think and feel, in a manner that respects all parties concerned) and learn to control your anger before it escalates into violence and uncontrollable rage.
Some people displace their anger onto others instead of discovering and resolving for the underlying cause. Many of us mistakenly think that venting our anger will solve the problem that is confronting us at the present time. When emotions run high many of us use unsuccessful ways to try to change the other person, instead of using our energy to change ourselves. Venting your anger may prevent you from suffering the damaging effects of suppressing or repressing your anger however there are harmful effects of venting your anger. Depression, low self-esteem, or self-hatred are the inevitable result of fighting with others and still continuing to put up with unfair circumstances; of complaining to all and sundry and still continuing to live in ways that do not honor your hopes and dreams.
Anger can become a habit – a way to habitually respond to circumstances of which we disapprove. The habit of feeling angry can control your life. It can damage your health, ruin your peace of mind, spoil your relationships, jeopardize your career and cost you your personal freedom. It can lead to intense guilt, to feelings of failure, depression, constant agitation, violent rage, or possibly suicide. It can lead to health problems such as hypertension or increased heart rate, possibly leading to stroke or heart attack; to increased susceptibility to infection due to depressed immune system; to chronic illness, headaches, abscesses, rashes, earaches, bad breath, knots in the stomach, diarrhea. Stored, unreleased anger can produce all the symptoms of a stress-induced disease. Extra acid flow into the stomach can help cause indigestion and eventually a duodenal ulcer may develop. Mental symptoms such as insomnia are a common outcome of not dealing with anger effectively.
Anger is often linked to physical pain. It can produce disease in indirect ways – people who let anger build up inside tend to suffer more health problems than those with less anger and those who manage their anger well.
Develop the ability to communicate clearly with those around you, particularly in hostile and volatile situations. This will maximize the chances of you being heard and difference of opinion between you and others being negotiated and resolved. Learn to observe what is taking place around you and to intervene when you can see a situation going nowhere. This will stop the situation from escalating and getting out of control. You cannot change another person’s behavior but you can change your response to their conduct. You can interrupt the non-productive patterns of interaction and change the predictable, habitual patterns between you.
When you begin to change your behavior and how you respond to others, some people may be resistant to the ‘evolving’ you and take action to change you back to the ‘old’ you. Likewise when you see the impact of your behavior on others you may be tempted to revert back to the ‘old’ you to relive the anxiety and stress you are feeling at doing things ‘differently’ from how you did them before. If you’re serious about wanting to change, serious about wanting to deal with things ‘differently’ than you did before, you need to learn to anticipate and deal with the anxiety and stress evoked in you as result of others’ counter-moves; to recognize the part of yourself that’s afraid of and resistant to change and to make the changes regardless of how you feel.
Don’t express your anger by resorting to physical violence, verbal abuse and threats; by resorting to mental or psychological abuse; by throwing temper tantrums and hurling physical things; by turning your anger inward or projecting it onto others; by sulking, retreating from others, playing the martyr, or punishing others with the silent treatment; by cutting yourself off from others geographically and emotionally. These are the strategies that many of us have learnt to deal with our anger. Most times they’re counter-productive to achieving the results we seek.
Whilst distancing self from others may bring about short-term relief by lowering the anxiety and emotional intensity of those relationships; may free you from the uncomfortable feelings that may be evoked in you as a result of spending any time together; emotional distancing doesn’t solve the problem in the long-term. There are big costs in distancing yourself from family members. Unresolved emotional issues are likely to be played out in other significant relationships such as those with your partner and your own children. Emotional distancing from our family of origin may stop us from proceeding healthily into new relationships.
About the Author
Ann C. Johnson Assoc MAPS: General Psychologist has worked in the helping professions for the past 35 years. In the past 7 years she has published 3 books on personal and spiritual development. Inspired by post she reads on Facebook and events that happen in her own life Ann continues to write articles on a regular basis.
Ann can also be found on https://www.facebook.com/annjohnson1948.
