How to Communicate with Your Teenager
It’s so important that parents have open lines of communication with their teenagers. When teens feel like they can talk to their parents, they can work through a lot of problems and avoid even more. But it’s not always easy to have good communication with teenagers.
Learning To Communicate With Your Teenager
Being a surly teenager is par for the course, and it’s tough on everyone. Teens are going through a developmental stage in which they need to assert their autonomy and identity so their behavior can be pretty off-putting to their parents and other adults.
What parents need to understand is that just because their teen might be pushing them away with obnoxious behavior and eye-rolling, it doesn’t mean that the young person has no need for parental support.
In fact, because this is such a loaded time, teenagers need more support and guidance than ever. They’re exploring their identity, sexuality, and aspirations. They need someone wiser and more experienced to talk to, but they’ll run the other way if they’re feeling judged or coerced. They want an accepting listener who’ll support them in their goals and guide them in their life choices; not judge, jury, and executioner.
Teens need to feel connected to their parents if they’re going to open up to them, but it’s harder these days for teens to connect. Social media makes it easier to be isolated and disconnected from parents and peers, as teens can opt to plug into their technology and stay plugged in, rather than build real-life relationships.
It’s up to the parents to foster these invaluable connections. They can do this by involving teens in regular parent-child or family activities. It can be family dinners; attending religious services together; weekly bike-riding, hikes in the woods or basketball games; doing hobbies or crafts together; family games night; volunteer work in the community; visiting relatives, or any other activity that consistently brings the teen together with their parents.
These activities are positive in and of themselves, and they provide the teen with ample opportunity for bonding with their parents and for sharing what’s on their mind. The more time parents spend with their teen, engaged in positive activities, the better their relationships will be and the easier it will be for the teen to open up and express their hopes, fears, and problems.
Opening the lines of communication with a teenager involves building trust. The teen has to trust their parents to be supportive rather than judgmental; concerned rather than punitive; respectful rather than dismissive. And while not following their teenager around, the parents must be available if the teen needs them. A sense of trust facilitates unfettered communication between teens and parents.
Even when they’re pushing us away, teens need to feel loved and cared for. They may not be able to show us affection very well or very often, but they need to know that we accept them for exactly who they are, even if we’re not comfortable with every one of their choices,
It’s such an interesting time. Teens need to provoke and sometimes even offend us, but they also need to know that we aren’t going anywhere. When teens feel that sense of love and security, and especially, our ongoing unconditional acceptance, they’ll share their most intimate secrets with us, enabling us to keep them safe and sound and on the right track.
Teenagers can be frustrating, exasperating, overwhelming and enraging, but they can also be wonderful to spend time with. Young people have a way of looking at things that are unique and refreshing, and they have a lot to offer us, as well.
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About the Author
Marcia Sirota MD FRCP(C) is a board-certified psychiatrist, that does not ascribe to any one theoretical school. Rather, she has integrated her education and life experiences into a unique approach to the practice of psychotherapy. She considers herself a realist with a healthy measure of optimism. Sign up here for her free monthly wellness newsletter. Listen here to her latest podcast. mariasirotamd.com
