5 Key Differences Between Chemistry and Compatibility in Relationships
Uncover the difference between chemistry and compatibility in relationships. Learn how shared values and life goals are the key to long-term happiness. The following is an excerpt from our book, Committed: Finding Love and Loyalty Through the Seven Archetypes.
Committed: How Is Your Compatibility?
by Carmen Harra and Alexandra Hara
Before commitment comes chemistry, the initial force that attracts you to one another. While it’s true that some archetypes “match” better with others, compatibility is a universal law that applies to all enduring relationships. Many people, however, have a skewed perception of what it means to be a match. Compatibility isn’t looking into each other’s eyes and seeing stars; it’s seeing the same stars when you look up at the night sky—seeing the world with the same eyes.
We hear our clients say, “I felt chemistry right away,” or, “We’re totally compatible.” However, when we ask them to define what they mean by chemistry or compatibility, they answer something along the lines of, “You know, that spark.” And by “spark,” they mean getting along without effort, sharing a laugh, or holding a meaningful conversation. We can all agree that chemistry feels like internal fireworks going off, but we also know that fireworks fizzle out quickly. And when they wear out, what will remain?
Sharing chemistry is fun, not to mention necessary. But it isn’t indicative of a person’s capacity to remain loyal or devoted, especially in time. No matter your partner’s archetype, genuine chemistry is measured by the values you hold in common. True compatibility is sharing similar life goals and beliefs about commitment. These must match so that you can evolve together, not apart.
Compatibility – Compromising when disagreements arise!
One of these beliefs has to do with the way you handle arguments. It’s unrealistic to think that your relationship won’t be subject to any conflict; conflict is inevitable and must be addressed. What matters most is how you move past it. But if you both need to be right all the time, your disagreements will never cease. If you both need to talk over each other to get your points across, know that your neighbors will eventually call the police because of all the shouting.
Knowing how to compromise on your disagreements is much more helpful than always agreeing. Specifically, you both have to be willing to commit to your differences as much as you commit to your commonalities. You don’t have to have the same religion, background, or upbringing as your partner because compatibility is being able to say, “To each his own,” and accepting the discrepancies between you. Compromise is the happy medium that keeps two people together for the long run. Make sure that, regardless of his archetype, the person you choose to spend your life with is willing to put aside differences to keep the relationship in good standing.
Being able to apologize is also a significant factor in compatibility. If you refuse to admit fault and your partner refuses to admit fault, you’re both refusing to resolve a problem. Therefore, both sides must be willing to say “I’m sorry” as often as needed. You won’t be able to keep up a relationship with a person who’s unwilling to budge from his position.
This becomes particularly important if and when you choose to start a family, as both parents have to share one parenting style. The more you see eye to eye with your partner, the more you can agree on more significant issues and raise your children without dissension. Even when one parent disagrees with the other, he still has to back his partner up in front of their children. Your kids will respect you more as parents if they see that you’re able to co-parent smoothly. Make sure that you and your partner can apply the same methods when it comes to your children.
As much as compatibility is felt within, it exists on the material side of your relationship. So, your earning and spending habits must match from the beginning. It will pose many problems if one partner likes to save his hard-earned money while the other loves to blow it away on luxuries or if one partner has to pay everything for the other. Both partners have to be on the same page in terms of saving and investing. Make sure you understand the limitations of your partner’s career and find out whether he has a backup plan. As a financial expert, Suze Orman said, “Opposites attract, but I wouldn’t bet my money on financial opposites.”
Having parallel views about work and money will help you spend more time together, which is essential to keep up compatibility. For example, if your partner works at night and you work during the day, understand that this will cause problems. Or, if your partner is always busy and has no time to spend with you, you won’t feel like you’re in much of a relationship. When it comes to the notion of time, you have to run on the same clock or set aside days to spend together.
And when you are together, if you’re compatible, you’ll show each other the same level of affection. Emotionally speaking, one partner shouldn’t be warm while the other is cold. The attention you give should be given to you too. It’s a mark of incompatibility when one person always gives love and affection that’s not reciprocated.
Another inconvenient truth about compatibility is that people change over time. When you first meet your partner, he might be on the same path as you. He might like all of the things you want and have the same hobbies you have, making you think, Wow, this is great, we have so many things in common! But in one, five, or ten years from the time you meet, he might not like any of those things anymore. And you might not either. You could grow to have individual tastes and want to do different things. Perceptions shift, and your partner can transform into a new person. What then?
You’ll find yourself asking, “Where is the man I fell in love with?”
This is why you have to compensate for each other’s weaknesses; what he lacks, you have, and vice versa. If you’re good at managing time, but your partner isn’t, you can help him organize his schedule and be punctual. And if he’s good at saving money but you’re not, he can help you balance your checkbook and cut down on unnecessary spending. Alone, you’re incomplete, but together, you’re supposed to be whole. If you’re both lacking in the same areas, you aren’t complementary. You’ll experience the same problems repeatedly because neither partner will be able to compensate for what the other doesn’t have.
Be careful of being with a person who tends to bring up what you lack, what you’re not good at, or what you’re sensitive about every time you get into an argument. A certain level of respect must be upheld within your relationship at all times. Even with the patience of a saint, any woman will reach a breaking point and either lash out or leave if her partner constantly disrespects her. Authentic compatibility transcends personality types. It’s a deep-seated connection that survives in time because it’s grounded in life principles.
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You will also enjoy Carmen Harra – The Karma Queen and Carmen Harra and Alexandra Harra: Love and the Seven Archetypes
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About the Author
Dr. Carmen Harra is a household name at OMTimes, and her influence extends far beyond as she clinched the prestigious Ommie Award for 2022’s Most Influential People. This accolade is just one testament to her remarkable career as an accomplished author, writer, radio show host, and TV personality on OMTimes.
Carmen Harra’s journey to becoming a world-renowned intuitive psychologist and relationship expert is as fascinating as it is inspiring. Her early fame as a singing sensation in Europe set the stage for a life filled with unexpected twists and turns. She originally traveled to America for a singing engagement, but destiny had other plans for her. In the United States, she encountered the love of her life, leading her to decide to stay.
In this new chapter of her life, Carmen boldly reinvented her career trajectory. She embarked on a path of profound self-discovery, eventually earning a Ph.D. in Psychology. Her transformation was nothing short of remarkable, and she quickly emerged as a leading expert in her field.
One of Carmen’s pivotal moments came in 1998 when she began writing her first book, “Everyday Karma.” She knew this book would become an international sensation, transcending borders and languages with translations in over 20 countries. Carmen’s unique insights into human nature and spirituality struck a chord with readers worldwide.
For the past 28 years, Carmen has dedicated herself to helping over 40,000 individuals rediscover inner peace, reclaim their personal power, and rekindle the flames of joy in their lives. Her clients represent a diverse spectrum of society, ranging from ordinary individuals next door to Hollywood celebrities and prominent politicians. Carmen’s approach to transformation is nothing short of extraordinary.
What sets Carmen apart is her ability to blend the conventional with the mystical seamlessly. She combines tried-and-tested cognitive therapy techniques with ancient arts like numerology, mediumship, and an astonishing intuition. This fusion of approaches empowers her clients to achieve profound and lasting positive changes in their lives.
Dr. Carmen Harra’s impact on the world is immeasurable, as she inspires, guides, and uplifts those who seek her wisdom. Her journey from a European singing sensation to a world-renowned psychologist, bestselling author, and influential media personality is a testament to the power of reinvention, self-discovery, and the pursuit of one’s true calling. Carmen’s life and work are a beacon of hope and transformation for countless individuals worldwide.
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