Marriage: Must Every Conflict Get Resolved?

Must every marriage conflict be resolved before a relationship can be happy? The surprising answer is no, and accepting that might just save your marriage.

Must Every Marriage Conflict Be Resolved?

by Marcia Naomi Berger

Marriage Conflicts Do Not Mean the End

Many people think that if a marriage is basically healthy, all issues get resolved. Yet, according to psychologist and author John Gottman’s research, 69 percent of problems in marriage go unresolved. His good news is that in good marriages, many problems can be managed.

Gottman states that couples can live with unresolvable conflicts over perpetual issues in their relationship if those issues are not deal-breakers. Simply put, it is not the presence of conflict that stresses the relationship; it is the way the couple responds. Positive, respectful communication about differences helps keep a marriage thriving.

Weekly marriage meetings, conducted as explained in my book, Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love, foster a spirit of goodwill and acceptance, a live-and-let-live attitude that allows partners to be themselves. They learn to minimize or manage conflicts that may not be resolvable.

Unresolvable Conflicts Do Not Have to Be Deal Breakers

Here are a few examples of unresolvable marriage conflicts that you can probably learn to live with, assuming you get along well most of the time:

One partner thinks the other is too strict (or too lenient) with the children.
A wife’s frequent lateness irritates her husband.
A wife wants her husband to be more ambitious.
A spouse leaves crumbs on the counter.
A spouse is forgetful.

How can spouses accept quirks and habits in each other that they find annoying? Many find it helpful to look at the big picture. If they are overall happily married to their spouse, they don’t sweat the small stuff. Is it better to keep carping and become a source of irritation, or to create a happy marriage?

“Am I so perfect?” In healthy relationships, partners accept each other’s imperfections as minor foibles.

Certainly, it is helpful to address concerns during marriage meetings. Even if neither spouse changes, they can express themselves constructively, feel heard and understood, and sometimes improvements occur.

How to Manage Conflicts That Are Not Deal Breakers

Suppose a situation is coming up soon in which one partner wants the other to behave in a certain way. During a marriage meeting, after each partner has expressed and received appreciation, either one can ask the other to do something different. Focus on something easy to change, especially during the first four to six marriage meetings, as it takes time to feel comfortable with the format.

Character traits and long-established habits are not likely to change, at least not without great effort. Lew did not ask Ellie to start dressing better all the time. That would have been unrealistic. Her careless approach to what she wears is an entrenched habit. He is learning to live with that because he loves Ellie regardless and appreciates her many fine qualities.

Keeping Expectations Realistic

Maybe a partner will agree to change. If so, wonderful! Just understand that a person’s basic nature and character traits are likely to remain the same. So, don’t expect an introvert to become the life of the party, a frugal person to become a big spender, or a sensitive person to become thick-skinned.

However, behaviors that are not yet habits can be easy to change – if the person wants to. The keyword is want. The person may or may not want to change.

If a spouse agrees to change a habit, be patient. When they try, let the compliments flow anytime and especially during the Appreciation part of a marriage meeting.

What if the change still does not happen? If the partner’s fault is not a deal-breaker, strive to accept what is unlikely to change. Keep irritations in perspective. Focus on the big picture.

Some Marriage Conflicts May Be Deal Breakers

Although some marital conflicts can be deal-breakers, a couple might still want to save their marriage. The more difficult challenges are likely to benefit from individual or couples therapy to help partners communicate more constructively or to set realistic goals and work toward achieving them.

It’s Fine to Agree to Disagree

Even in the best marriages, spouses learn to agree to disagree about unresolvable differences. So, if a couple is getting along well overall and managing lingering conflicts, they’re in good company.

Reference: John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (New York: Three Rivers Press, 1999).

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This article is adapted from part of the chapter, “Debunking Marriage Myths,” in the book, Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love: 30 Minutes a Week to the Relationship You’ve Always Wanted (New World Library, 2014). Originally published in January 2016.

About the Author

Marcia Naomi Berger, MSW, LCSW, author of Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love: 30 Minutes a Week to the Relationship You’ve Always Wanted (New World Library, 2014), is a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist in private practice. A former executive director of a family service agency, she previously worked in the fields of child welfare, alcoholism treatment, and psychiatry. She teaches continuing education classes for social workers, psychologists, marriage and family therapists, and counselors. https://marcianaomiberger.com/