Living with BiPolar Disorder

An excerpt from LIVING WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER  Strategies for Balance and Resilience

by Lynn Hodges

Publisher’s Note:

In this excerpt, Lynn Hodges describes one of the first major episodes of her manic behavior and how she learned to accept the upside. It’s funny, heart-wrenching and reminds us family, friends and sufferers that those who live with Bipolar Disorder are not alone.

One of the things I found difficult to accept when reading about other people’s experiences was the extreme negativity about the illness they experienced. But it’s important to remember that after every down there is an up and this condition can help your creativity. In my mind, there is no doubt that bipolar disease and creativity are linked, and whenever you feel isolated, which you often can, it is good to be reminded of this.

The real reason for feeling alone is that it is hard for friends and loved ones to understand your bizarre behavior. When you are depressed, friends look at your life and do not understand why you feel so low—to them you have everything. The reality, of course, is that an important brain chemical, or neurotransmitter—serotonin—is not getting to the brain. So, like a diabetic without insulin, you are unable to operate effectively.

As a reminder that you are not alone, here is a list of just a few well known public figures who

with bipolar:

Russell Brand Actor

Frank Bruno Boxer

Richard Dreyfuss Actor

Carrie Fisher Actress

Stephen Fry Actor

Paul Gascoigne Footballer

Catherine Zeta Jones Actress

Graham Greene Novelist

Ernest Hemingway Author

Vivien Leigh Actress

Spike Milligan Comedian

Ozzy Osborne Singer

Edgar Allan Poe Poet

Ruby Wax Comedian

Your behavior can be so irrational that you worry about rebuilding good relationships with colleagues, friends, and families. Real friends are always there for you, but you may be surprised to find that there are some people who, unfortunately, just can’t cope with your diagnosis.

It is not surprising, considering the behavior that can accompany this disease. I only remember a few of the crazy things I did in the lead up to my manic episode in 2004 whilst I was living with Kay. They could test anyone’s patience.

For example, I had a compulsion to throw away as many of my sister’s things as I could—from TV remotes, candles, and clothes to toilet brushes. I would see them and say to myself that she would be better off without all this clutter, then they would end up in a black refuse sack that I would put outside her door! I also went on a car rampage. One night, I took my children and my sister’s son Sam out for dinner. On the way home, I decided that I no longer wanted to be me, so I threw my passport, check books, handbag, and Kay’s house keys out of the car window as we drove along the A20 at 80 mph.

My nephew Sam, who at the time was about 12 years old and is a very bright boy, asked me why I was throwing my keys away. He was distressed, as they were his house keys and he knew his mum would be very angry. I calmly explained that I had no use for them any longer. He looked at me and his eyes started to well up with tears. He knew something was very wrong. My nephew, of course, told his mum about the episode, but when I spoke to Kay I managed to convince her that I was depressed and not thinking straight. Kay had also found the items in the black refuse sacks and asked me how they had got there. I apologized and promised it would not happen again.

At the time, my children were attending school in London, so I had to get up early every morning for the long drive to the school and my office. One day, when I was alone at work, I decided I wanted to feel good about myself—in fact, I wanted to feel like a diamond. With that thought firmly in my head I took myself off to a jeweler’s. Whilst I was there, I selected a diamond ring that cost £1,200, diamond earrings costing £800, a a diamond watch costing £950, and three silver crosses for my children that cost £240. I also picked up eight St Christopher’s pendants representing the patron saint of travel. Why? Well, I had decided I was going to take my children around the world in a motor home and St Christopher would keep them safe. I had never bought myself diamonds before—this behavior was definitely not normal. And since the St Christopher’s medallions were bought for safety on our travels, to make this a reality I would post a St Christopher in mailboxes all around London when I drove the children to school each morning.

The thought processes behind my actions were becoming more disturbed. I would go into my office and pack up books, remotes, videos, and files and throw them all into black refuse sacks. I cleared the contents in the desks of three out of the five employees working for me and placed them in black refuse sacks. After I had done that, I covered everything in salt, vinegar, ketchup, and pepper—I saw the condiments as essence that God would like and felt that they needed to cover everything in the sacks.

During the next couple of days, I decided to take the children to my holiday caravan on a caravan site in Monkton, near Canterbury, to see if I could relax. I knew at this point that something was seriously wrong, and I hoped that by going to my caravan for a weekend it might help my mind settle.

The weekend started off normally. We had a meal at the local restaurant and turned in for an early night. But I was awakened in the middle of the night by the thought that I needed to purchase a motor home for our travels. I knew we were going to travel; a motor home would be our way of doing it. Next morning we went on a family walk, and to my surprise a motor home was parked in a driveway for sale. Naturally, I saw this as a sign from God. My children were very excited at the thought of travelling the world and were unaware of my state of mind. Within 30 minutes, I was the owner of a brand new life. It had cost me £13,500 for a 15-year-old motor home. But I was not even confident enough in my driving skills to drive it out of the driveway. How was I going to drive it around the world? Clearly, this was a question I should have asked myself before making the purchase! I had to get my brother-in-law to drive down to Monkton with his friend and drive the motor home back to my sister’s house. You can only imagine her surprise when this 20-foot-long monstrosity arrived in her driveway. If you think she was surprised, imagine her neighbor’s response!

To complete the spending spree that weekend, I purchased four extremely expensive laptops, at £1,000 each, for myself and my children. After all, I needed to be able to teach them on our round-the-world trip. When I returned to Kay’s house, the children were excited about the motor home and told their auntie all about it and their forthcoming trip. My sister, understandably, was beside herself and became very upset and angry. She did not know what was happening to me or what to do.

That night I found myself wrapped around my sister’s toilet seat, crying. I knew I needed help, but I did not know what was wrong. In the next instant, I had taken the new, beautiful diamonds and started to flush them down her toilet. They all disappeared, except for the beautiful watch, which I fished back out. The diamonds were my secret; no one else was to know.

For the moment, Kay remained completely unaware of the jewel purchase. But she had heard me crying and came into the toilet to comfort me. It was at that point that I told her that I had flushed the diamonds down her toilet. She was completely aghast. Whatever had I done that for? She just couldn’t understand. Being the practical woman she is, the thought of flushing diamonds down the toilet left her completely dizzy! Kay called a plumber to see if he could retrieve the diamonds. (Imagine that phone call. Could you please come to the house? I have flushed all my diamonds down the toilet!! ) The plumber came and tried everything, from the toilet to the outside drains, but nothing could be found.

This manic period had now lasted about three weeks, and I was feeling very alone and frightened of what I might do next. Kay felt enough was enough. She did not know what was happening to me and knew that she needed expert help to figure it out.

The following day, she marched me straight down to her local surgery, where the doctor suspected bipolar disorder and that was when I was hospitalized for six weeks. Feeling alone and out of control are definitely aspects of this illness, and any mess you cause is left to you to sort out. I had spent £25,000 of company money, and somehow I had to repay the debt. Thank heavens it was my company.

Looking on the bright side, I got to experience wearing a diamond ring and diamond jewels for a few hours, and still to this day I have the lovely watch—the only thing that didn’t sink!

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BIO Hodges has much experience with mental illness. Along with a family history of mental health problems, Lynn has been diagnosed with Bipolar one, the most severe form of manic depression. Learning to live with her illness, Lynn designed workshops used by local governments and mental health association in the UK.  Living with Bipolar Disorder is published by Findhorn Press findhornpress.com.