Finding Closure with Past Relationships
What do you do with unresolved feelings from a relationship that ended on a sour note? How do you find closure?
Relationships and Closure
By Marsha Cook
“As we grow as unique persons, we learn to respect the uniqueness of others.” – Robert Schuller
A question that was recently posed to me was’ “What do you do with unresolved feelings from a relationship that is long gone and ended on a sour note? How do you find closure?” And I thought, ‘Wow, great question!’
To answer I will begin by asking some questions of my own…if you had a stone in your shoe, would you continue to walk around with that stone creating a pain in your foot? When you reach a detour sign in the road, do you drive right through the detour barriers, or go another way? And last, do you ever find yourself having an entire conversation in your head?
Life can be rocky at times, as for the stone thing…if something is causing you pain, do you really want to keep it? If a relationship has ended, then it lived its reason and season. It was not meant to be a lifetime affiliation. There had to have been something special and positive at one time for there to have been a relationship (any relationship qualifies here) in the first place. Keep the special memories and discard the rest. That is after you have done an autopsy of sorts. Review for yourself, how the relationship came to be, when it began to unravel and what caused the seams to fall apart. A critical closure is important. After all, you do not want to repeat the same behavior in future relationships. When you are satisfied that you understand, be sure to make a note to self as to what changes you will establish within and for you.
Next, detours often take you down a road you might not have otherwise traveled and some offer you something ‘cool’ in return, like gardens and homes you have never seen before. Some are the long way around providing you time to be with your thoughts. The question here is would you barrel through barricades meant to keep you out of harms way? When an association comes to an end, there is a reason. If you have performed your post-mortem, you will know why. What would be the point of hanging on? Would you drive up to the detour sign and sit and wait until the road opens again? Letting go is a gift you give both yourself and the one no longer in the picture. If the liaison is over and you are still suffering, you might want to consider how much energy and self power you are still giving away.
Some of my best and most insightful conversations take place in my head! Talk is not cheap! Have a conversation with yourself about writing the last chapter of the story that began ‘once upon a time’ so you can bring it to a close. Once you have finished the book, tie it with a lovely ribbon or a strong piece of string (metaphor) so there are no loose ends. How do you go about writing the final chapter? That is where the conversation comes in.
Create a time and space where you can sit down and have a meaningful dialogue. Perhaps even a place of meditation. Sit in your favorite chair with lots of pillows, or, go to a sacred place outside with nature, anywhere, as long as it is a place of tranquility. Get comfy, perform several deep and cleansing breaths, center your being and your mind, invite the higher-self of the ‘other person’ into this space and then begin. Tell this person how special they were to you and express the qualities you liked best. Let them know you understand and accept that both of your paths have changed and you are ready to move forward and wish them peace and safe travels. Then sit quietly and breathe. You may actually find that their soul is listening to yours and will, in turn, accept your offer of closing and peace. In any case, as you release your feelings, see them float away and then dwell in the feelings of release as you sit in a relaxed state. If you want to include forgiving in your conversation, by all means, do so. If you want to create a sacred ritual of closure, that too is good (some ideas; release balloons; write your thoughts down and then tear the paper into pieces and set them free/toss away; find some small stones, and write your feelings on them with an indelible ink pen and then give the stones back to the earth.)
These are your moments and your path to design as you see fit. Finish with several deep, cleansing breaths, and then say a final adieu – you should be good to go!
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Beautiful wisdom. (The suggested ‘closing rituals’ seem ecologically unfriendly however. Perhaps you can think of something different.) Thanks for sharing.
Very insightful article. My doubt is, If it came to an end, there is a meaning to that of course, but is it possible to let it happen again in a renewed form if both parties want so?
I see,, but sometimes things are not that easy. It grows to be something painful and non-sense after no common interests are left.