One Huge Relationship Mistake and How to Fix It
Over the years, I’ve noticed that many relationships that end in acrimony could have easily been salvaged. The one thing they all seem to have in common is that a simple misunderstanding ended up exploding the relationship.
Simple Misunderstandings Can Ruin a Lot of Relationships
Nowadays, when communication is so complex and complicated, it’s easier than ever for misunderstandings to arise. For example, if we jump to conclusions and assume that someone has been rude, dismissive, or hostile toward us, and then we respond with anger, it’s easy for the relationship to collapse.
When I look at social media, it seems that many of us have a habit of making assumptions based on what we have heard or read from someone else. We read the text or the email; we hear something on the phone and automatically assume that we have been slighted somehow.
But what if it’s all just a simple misunderstanding? How many have otherwise good relationships been destroyed over something as simple as a lack of clarity regarding what was actually being expressed?
We jump to conclusions about things we read in texts For example, when we receive a text, it’s often hard to interpret the tone. If we assume that the tone is negative and then we shoot off a retaliatory text, we risk making the person on the receiving end feel confused and upset.
If they look at our text and become angry because they don’t understand why our response was so hostile or sarcastic, they could send us a text reflecting their confusion and anger. You could see how things could spiral out of control.
Perfectly good romantic relationships could be destroyed by such a text volley. Jobs could be lost; friendships could die a sudden, unnecessary death.
Instead of making assumptions, we need to clarify.
Instead of having a knee-jerk reaction, people needed to notice their feelings and ask themselves one important question: “am I sure that this person meant to offend me?”
If we are not 100% certain that the other person intended offense, we need to clarify. Let me give an example:
Thinking about texting, imagine if you were the person on the receiving end of the first confusing text stopped and if you stopped and asked yourself that one important question about the intention to cause offense.
Imagine that you could not say with 100% certainty that the person who sent the text intended to offend you. Then imagine if you ask for clarity instead of jumping to conclusions.
Imagine if you stopped and considered the possibility that the other person didn’t mean to offend you. Then, imagine if you sent a text back, or even better, made a phone call to check on what the other person meant to say in the first place.
Relationships can be saved by taking a pause before acting
The whole issue could have been quickly and easily resolved, and the relationship could have been salvaged. It’s that simple.
And that’s why it’s so sad when we jump to conclusions and make assumptions. When the solution is so readily available, losing a relationship over a silly misunderstanding is tragic.
In this world of instant everything, we need to build in pauses. We must stop and tune in to ourselves when something bothers or upsets us.
We must ask ourselves if we’re 100% sure about what’s going on or if we need clarification. In my experience, we need to seek clarification most of the time.
It’s very simple to ask for clarification. For example, you can say, “I got your text, but I wasn’t sure what you meant by it. Could you please explain?”
Or, “in our last conversation, you said something that I’m not sure I understood. Could you please explain?”
Clarification involves asking and listening.
And then you need to listen to the other person’s answer. And you need to keep seeking clarification politely and neutrally until you’re sure that you understand what they mean.
One of the advantages of seeking clarification, as opposed to jumping to conclusions, is that the other person is not likely to go on the defensive when you ask a simple question like that. Instead, they’re more likely to just answer your question. Imagine how many relationships could be saved if we all did this.
The moral of the story is that tuning in to our feelings and noticing when we feel upset or hurt is very important because it will prevent us from making dangerous assumptions.
Taking the time to notice our feelings and then ask ourselves what we think just happened is the first step in preventing tragic misunderstandings.
Seeking clarity is the next and equally crucial step in salvaging our relationships. When we ask for clarification, we prevent hurt feelings and can maintain healthy, long-lasting personal and professional interactions. Isn’t that what everybody wants?
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About the Author
Marcia Sirota MD FRCP(C) is a board-certified psychiatrist who does not ascribe to any one theoretical school. Rather, she has integrated her education and life experiences into a unique approach to the practice of psychotherapy. She considers herself a realist with a healthy measure of optimism. Sign up here for her free monthly wellness newsletter. Listen here to her latest podcast. mariasirotamd.com
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