Singledom to Doubledom:  A Rough Guide

by Gina Hardy

OK SO HERE YOU ARE SINGLE AGAIN, A RECYCLED SINGLE PERHAPS, MUCH LIKE I WAS MANY TIMES, OR A VIRGIN SINGLETON CHARTING UNKNOWN TERRITORY FOR THE FIRST TIME. PERHAPS YOU HAVE BEEN DUMPED OUT OF NOWHERE AND ARE HEARTBROKEN AT THE SUDDEN LOSS OF LOVE OR PERHAPS YOU HAVE EXTRACTED YOURSELF FROM A REALLY UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP THAT MADE YOU SAY “THANK GRACE FOR THAT!” AS YOU CLOSED THE DOOR ON IT.

Whatever your single circumstances, thinking about finding another person to walk the love path with, can be really scary because the fear loss of opening your heart love and then losing it again is almost unbearable. I really understand that place. It is terrifying. For some it brings exciting expectation with the promise of “maybe this time I’ll meet the one!” ringing heavily in your heart. Good on ya!

Singledom these days is considered to be fashionable and a preferred lifestyle for some, with casual dating being the preferred accessory and much less hassle for the heart. It’s easy to see and understand why. But I wonder if these periods, when boiled down, are just recuperation and regeneration stages on the way to the next “real thing”. Some of us take good and lengthy time off to fully smell the coffee and some of us put sticking tape over the wounds and with the aid of an emotional stick, stagger into the next relationship. Our quest as ever to love and be loved and approved of. Seems so simple but a whole industry of advice and help is now out there to assist us when we are wounded and broken and not finding happiness in love.

Harville Hendrix who wrote the book Keeping the Love You Find (for Singles) discussed the point that singledom is a moratorium period between stages of your true growth and healing. Relationships have a sole purpose of bringing up your deepest darkest stuff and then you have a choice. Look at it and let go of the past with the tender loving support of your partner, or not. But the “or not” choosers among you, depending on the degree, can find yourself missing that really amazing special and awesome ingredient in relationships, which is opening fully to the other person in total trust, truth and authenticity. It takes time, emotional investment and commitment to let go of what holds you back from love.

So with all this in mind, how do you step out there and get going again, let those well patrolled defense lines down and love like you have never been hurt?