It is OK To Be Monogamous
It is Ok To Be Monogamous…Really!
by Gail Matheson, PhD
Recently I read a well written and provocative blog entitled Five Reasons Why Monogamy is an Absolute Bar to World Peace. It is well stated, well thought out and makes an attempt to bring the integrity of a Course in Miracles into alignment with how one lives in relationship. The extension of how we think into how we manifest is brilliant.
And I don’t agree.
I remember the first time I was faced with the argument that there was no historical Jesus. It was Christmas – ironically – and I was watching the Jesus Mysteries documentary on TV. I was angry and shocked. And then I started to read more books about it. I found myself not only open to the idea that there was no historical Jesus, but being inspired, opened, freed and uplifited by the thought. I allowed me a deeper dive into consciousness and connection with the Divine, and I could respect the teachings related to Jesus in a loving way.
So, I have been challenged over the last year by how I feel about monogamy as well. I respect polyamory. I have no ethical dilemma with it, and see it as a way of living in integrity with one’s preferences and needs for honesty, freedom and deep connection by working through the issues that arise in multiple relationship circumstances. It just isn’t for me. But, neither is traditional marriage. And that is where I find myself in agreement with the ideas in the Five Reasons blog, just not the rationale.
Monogamy is a social construct. It was designed as a social construct to maintain the rights of property and only in the last few centuries have we associated romantic love with marriage. Marriage served as a mechanism for social control, and was based in a value system of patriarchy. The arguments that monogamy reinforces fear of separation, territoriality, a mind set of exclusivity or elitism (married people vs single) are all valid arguments. And if the author had used the phrase “the social construct of monogamy”, I would be applauding the blog and reposting it. The same way that it is patriarchy and not MEN that results in violence against women, it is the underlying need for control that is in the rules of monogamy that create separateness, not the choice to be monogamous in relationship.
Monogamy, or the preference to be in a committed intimate relationship with one person, is not necessarily the root of all evil. A person who rejects monogamy can just as easily do it from or live within a fear of separation, territoriality, jealousy, possessiveness, etc. It is not the nature of the relationship that causes it. As always, when we create things and manifest things, it is based on our consciousness level. Thankfully, the universe does not manifest our ego desires or the world would be a brutal and dangerous place. We manifest from the clarity and purity of our consciousness. So, if you are in a consciousness of separateness, which is ultimately what we are here to heal whether it is part of dis-ease, relationship or a block to awakening to higher consciousness, then you will manifest that separateness. It is not the construct or the behaviour of monogamy that creates and manifests in our collective consciousness. It is our blocks to love, our blocks to the divine, the blocks we have to the truth of our unity with all people that creates the falseness that allows us to hurt others.
It is possible to love everyone and everything while also being in a variety of relationships. It is possible as a woman, to love many men and to choose unique relationship dynamics with each of those men. It is possible to have a sexual relationship with only one man and love several others. It is possible to have a sexual relationship with many men and love all of them. In tantra, we accept all that is, including ourselves and our preferences. By rejecting the preference for monogamy, you are in fact still reinforcing separateness, suggesting there is only one right way to love.
I choose monogamy because it is the way in which I experience deep intimacy with another. It keeps the energy focused in a relationship, to an extent. I am highly empathic and sensitive to energy, so when other energies become mixed in to my intimate relationships, it becomes difficult for me, confusing, and the vibration drains me. That doesn’t make it wrong – just not my preferred space for fully expressing myself.
And so, to the wonderful author of the blog about monogamy and world peace, I congratulate the consciousness she is trying to reflect in striving for something higher and more pure, more beautiful on this planet. I will join her in the consciousness of love and wholeness. I will create from a place of divine love in all my relationships. And I am going to continue to be monogamous while I do it.
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About the Author
Gail Matheson PhD is a life long student and teacher of metaphysics, transpersonal psychology, and awakening. She is currently studying non-dualistic shaivist tantra and kundalini yoga.
Connect with her at: www.practicalpriestess.ca
Hi Gail, thank you so much for connecting with my post and for sharing what is alive for you. You know, to use a metaphor that perhaps feels less emotionally charged for people than sex … For most of my life, I thought I would ALWAYS have a day job. Never even questioned it. When I started my spiritual journey, I had inklings that I was going to have to leave my day job … and this was long before I left my day job. Of course, I had a lot of fears and even still I work through the fears that arise even 2.5 years AFTER quitting my day job. If anyone had asked me to go “cold turkey” I would have said “no way” too scary … Yet as my values kept evolving, the day job got less and less bearable because it was out of alignment with the level of freedom that I had reached in my values. So then I could see the result that did in fact need to happen but I had to be patient with myself because I wasn’t there yet. At the level of spiritual truth, the job was fear-based and totally out of alignment and obviously had to go. Yet at the level of my space/time learning, the job was the right thing to do given where I was at, until the day came when it wasn’t right anymore and I left. I use my idealism to guide my gradualism. I’m not sure this makes sense at all … I see a parallel here. I wonder if it would be interesting for us to do a joint interview of some kind where we can share the two perspectives … Again, thanks for your generous sharing of yourself in this article 🙂 cheers, – Erika
I would love to see the joint interview between the two of you become a reality.
Great article, Gail. I will challenge your belief that monogamy is a preference. It may seem that way, but the “preference” of monogamy, for the average person is really programming. We were taught early on that monogamy was our “preference,” and that it was moral, desirable and normal, to mention just a few of what we were taught it was. We were taught to believe in monogamy and that there were no other acceptable option. All the other options were sufficiently demonized in that same programming. So monogamy for most is about programming, fear, status, and social acceptance. That would be my only issue with the “preference” of monogamy as I don’t really believe it is a preference at all and it isn’t one developed from one’s own feelings. This is probably not the case with you as you are certainly more open-minded and aware than most.
I get it, which is why I referenced something really deep – my Christianity. I could not consider that the idea of Jesus was not real. My entire spiritual perspective was based on it. And yet, I found that moving to a different, broader perspective was freeing. I have left traditional marriage for exactly the same reason. But, monogamy is true of me, and isn’t limiting unless I create it as limiting. And the co-creation principles of Course in Miracles remain intact and complete for me, at least.
I would love to connect and I think it would be fun to do a joint interview. 🙂 Light and love!
Let’s see how the universe plays this out…:-)
It is very kind of you to suggest I am open minded and aware!
For me, I feel there are many more reasons to celebrate monogamy not yet explored in this article e.g. Great Intimacy or Childhood stability? To dive deeper into it, marriage in essence is fear-based but commitment is a concious choice. Given the new phrase ‘multigamy’ from Emma Thompson this week it seems there’s a camp Mog and camp Mul, ultimately it’s up to the couple/individuals in question, only they know what works for them.
Hi so as the author of the article that was the jumping off point for this lovely article … well, I’ve been thinking about this a long time. From my perspective, if we want to reach the best possible answer here … we need to question ALL of our assumptions. Does monogamy really promote greater intimacy? I’m not convinced it does. In fact, I’ve found much higher intimacy skill level among the people who are having multiple relationships because it’s a necessity. Does monogamy help us raise children better? I’m not convinced there either. I think monogamy puts tremendous pressure on parents, gives very little support unless it’s paid support, and often leads to divorce where now all that pressure is mostly falling on one parent. I have coached a large number of people now who told me all the “shameful secrets” from their childhood, and I’m convinced that a “happy childhood” in a monogamous family is almost non-existent. Seriously. I also question whether this is really a “personal choice” of the couple. From my perspective, monogamy is based in a culture where we pursue private interests at the expense of the rest of society. And I don’t believe we can afford to do that anymore. So … my invitation is for all of us to start thinking about new ways we can have intimacy and raise children that are serving not only ourselves but also our society at large. It’s a much longer conversation though than we can really have here because it requires questioning ALL of our most cherished assumptions 🙂