To Trust, or Not to Trust?

On so many occasions, I’ve heard people say that they can’t trust someone today because of something that another person did, in the past.

Maybe an ex-boyfriend wasn’t completely honest with them, so today, they can’t trust their current boyfriend’s sincerity; maybe an ex-girlfriend cheated on them, so they’re waiting for their current girlfriend to do the same; maybe an ex-friend betrayed them, so they expect the same behavior from a present-day friend.

Unfortunately, these people are making a mistake of logic. Just because someone in a particular role, for example, “boyfriend,” “girlfriend,” “husband,” “wife,” or “friend,” hurt them in the past, it doesn’t mean that today, a totally different person occupying the same role will behave similarly.

People who have difficulties with trust are mistaking the person with the role. If one boyfriend, say, wasn’t as honest as he could have been, it doesn’t mean that every other person in the role of “boyfriend” will do the same. The role of boyfriend isn’t inherently associated with disappointment.

Trust shouldn’t be attached to a role. If a man’s first wife behaved in a hurtful manner, it doesn’t necessarily mean that his second wife will also be hurtful to him.

This will be especially true if the man is aware of any tendencies on his part to be attracted to a certain type of hurtful woman and resists the urge to make the same type of choice in the future.

We need to see each person for the unique individual that they are, and not generalize from past experiences. Having been hurt in the past, for example, by a dishonorable friend can teach us a lot of important lessons, but not trusting the next person in the role of “friend” isn’t one of them.

It’s more important that we look inward, instead of blaming our problems on the other person, and ask ourselves if, perhaps, we’ve repeatedly been choosing the same types of untrustworthy friends or partners.

We can take responsibility for our part in our history of disappointing relationships and choose to make different types of choices, moving forward.

So, all things being equal, how do we know whether we can trust someone in our present-day life if we’ve experienced disappointment in the past? How do we use the lessons provided to us by our past relationships?

In order to develop trust in someone today, we must resist the temptation to trust them too soon, out of a strong desire to trust them; equally, we must resist the temptation not to trust at all, based on our fear of getting hurt.

We need to observe this person over time, without assuming that they’re anything like the person who hurt us, and see if their behavior inspires confidence or creates suspicion.

If someone behaves consistently over time in a trustworthy manner, it’s very likely that we’ll be able to trust them. If their behavior is hurtful or confusing, it’s more than likely that we won’t be able to trust them.

This has nothing to do with the role they’re in, and everything to do with how this particular person is behaving.

Of course, there are no guarantees that someone won’t behave in a hurtful manner, at some point. Even if they’ve earned our trust, they’re human and they can make a mistake or mess up.

No-one is 100% trustworthy, so we also need to know how to cope, if someone we did trust eventually does something hurtful.

Depending on the severity of the offense, we might choose to discuss it with the other person and resolve things with them, or if what they did was unacceptable, we might just choose to walk away.

Either way, we have to resist the urge to never trust again. People are fallible, and sometimes behave in ways that are out of character for them. We need to know that we’ll be okay if someone who we trusted does something to hurt us.

This is where self-care comes in. We have to take good care of ourselves if someone lets us down. We can soothe our hurt feelings, reassure ourselves that we’ll be alright, and take the necessary measures to protect ourselves from further harm.

The knowledge that we’re resilient and able to survive a breach of trust will enable us to enter into new relationships without excessive fear or doubt.

We never have to think that if a person in a particular role was untrustworthy, the next person who occupies this role in our life will be this way as well.

Let’s look at each person as an individual, assess them with open eyes, an open mind and an open heart, and take the time to see whether they’re someone who we can, indeed, trust.

And, if for some reason they let us down, we can trust ourselves to survive this disappointment, and move on to the next relationship without assuming the worst.

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About the Author

Marcia Sirota MD FRCP(C) is a board-certified psychiatrist, that does not ascribe to any one theoretical school. Rather, she has integrated her education and life experiences into a unique approach to the practice of psychotherapy. She considers herself a realist with a healthy measure of optimism. Sign up here for her free monthly wellness newsletter. Listen here to her latest podcast. marciasirotamd.com